SC Riffs: Glitter Force, Episode Two

Hello, and welcome back to Riffing the Riff-Raff! I’m your host, SC, and today I’m back with another episode of Glitter Force, because the first one was so hilariously bad that I just had to keep going. Like, as I said last time, it’s not the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen, but it’s also not really that good. It’s full of clichés and puns you can see from a mile away and jokes that leave you going “huh?” rather than laughing your socks off. It likes to tell when it should just show, and it often continues to tell over and over again, even though you only needed to hear it once.

So, episode two of Glitter Force. Entitled, “Kelsey Gets a Makeover,” so that already kind of spoils who the next Glitter Force girl is going to be, although as I made very clear in the last episode, it’s not like it was hard to figure out in the first place. Let’s jump in, shall we?

~~~

I already saw the intro last time, so I don’t need to comment on that again. There’s a short recap from episode one, whatever.

I forgot that Candy sounded so annoying, though.

Right out of the gate, we get shown how people are greeted in Jubiland. It looks suspiciously like how Japanese people pray.

*rings gong*

*rings gong*

…BUT WE’RE STILL NOT IN JAPAN, FOLKS.

Candy’s stomach growls, and this leads into some exposition about the Glitter Charms: apparently, they’re made of Bullshitonium and therefore can do stupid, mundane stuff whenever you’re not busy being a hero, like summoning giant strawberries on a whim. So long as you use the compact, that is. I’m pretty sure magical girl series don’t typically futz around with their powers while they’re on an Important Quest of Importance, but hey, whatever, Glitter Force.

I guess Emily’s the ditzy idiot of the group, because she somehow managed to forget, over the course of only a few hours, that she’s supposed to round up four other girls to form the Glitter Force™. Then the show awkwardly segues into shenanigans. Because it is not at all subtle with how desperately it searches for openings.

Oh yeah, and we run into the Getting Crap Past The Radar trope, with this:

Candy, stop looking there.

Candy, stop looking there.

Candy disses Emily hard, and then we cut to the VILLAINOUS HIDEOUT OF EVIL!

IMG_20160105_160629024

…Precariously positioned on a geologically impossible cliff. Nice.

As we enter the villain hideout, ominous black blobs with glowing, evil red eyes openly mock the pissed-off Big, Bad Wolf, as he thunder-punches a boulder. I should note here that the background looks like it came out of that game Okami. STILL NOT JAPAN.

Wolf vows revenge for his embarrassing defeat in the last episode, and we cut back to… Kelsey. Well, one could guess she needed to show up sooner or later in an episode about her.

But before we get into that: really, Glitter Force? You cut away from the heroes for all of thirty seconds to establish that there’s more villains, when you’ve already established that there are an assload of villains and monsters to be fought in order to save Jubiland and the world? That was so unnecessary!

Back to Kelsey, we’re playing volleyball! You’d think at first that the show would use this as an excuse to put all the main girls on the same team, so as to demonstrate their natural synergy, but it actually doesn’t. From the top-down shot we get, Kelsey, Emily and Lily (the blonde one) are on one side, and April and Chloe (green and blue) are on the other side. I appreciate that, to be honest.

And then everything is a blur as the server smacks the volleyball way too high to start. Guitar music pumps up as we-

Watch Kelsey Sue her way through the entire game. Even Resident Sporty Gal April is caught off-guard by it.

You don’t need to be a glory hog, Kelsey. You have a team of five other people you can utilize.

I paused it just a second sheet April says, “Man, she’s good!”, and it happened to stop on the scorekeeper flipping numbers. And can I just say, I find the scorekeeper girl more appealing to the eye than all of the main girls put together.

Seriously, look at her!

Seriously, look at her!

I guess as I’ve grown more mature with my anime interests, the wacky hair colors and styles have just gradually stopped catching my eye. That, or I just happen to find brunettes in glasses to be more interesting than a squad of rainbow goons, I don’t know.

*SC adjusts his glasses and runs a hand through his brown hair in a totally not point-making manner*

Back to the game, Lily almost gets wrecked by the ball (which I admit to laughing at, probably because the show told me once already to revel in her suffering), and then Kelsey calls to Emily to set up a spike. You know, I’ve played volleyball, it tends to go a bit too fast to have the leisure time to call out plays. This ball is made of helium, isn’t it?

Dramatic blur shot as Emily stresses over having to actually, you know, play the game – to be fair, so would I if I had someone on my team who had basically been ruling the net up to now – and shenanigans ensue once again as Emily sets up her hands… and gets nailed in the face. What is it with things hitting Emily in the face? What did her face do to hurt you, universe?

Mmm, watcha saaay~

Mmm, watcha saaay~

The ball goes space-bound off of Emily’s face, Kelsey’s all, “cool, whatevs,” and April and Chloe finally pull their heads out of their asses and move to intercept. They all try to match Emily’s vertical jump record from last episode (good luck with that) in a race to spike the ball first, but Kelsey beats them to the punch with an unnecessary super move commonly found in sports anime (think “Celestial Hand” from Inazuma Eleven), which she calls her “Patented Sledgehammer Slam.”

…I’m not sure how old you have to be to patent something, so I can’t really comment on that, but I wasn’t aware you could patent a super move. Gonna make a note about that for future reference.

Anyhow, dramatic white light as April and Chloe fail to defend the net and the ball smacks the ground on their side. Game over, Kelsey and the Goon Team win. April and Chloe are left in shock, and Chloe decides to give exposition about Kelsey: she’s the best Attacker in the League-

Wait, hold the fuck up, Kelsey’s playing at LEAGUE LEVELS?! How old is she again?! What League?! She’s not pro level, is she?! This is P.E., for crying out loud!

(Meanwhile, Emily is hit by the aftershock of the Wreckoning she received from the ball in the background. Lily freaks the hell out.)

We cut away from the game to see Candy creeping about in a bush, which stands out like a sore thumb on a campus devoid of any greenery that is not field or tree.

Well, that, and she takes up the whole screen.

Well, that, and she takes up the whole screen.

Kelsey becomes Punlord Kelsey the Agonizing, and this is just not shenanigans. I’ll get back to you when the plot kicks back in.

…And we’re back! Emily pulls Kelsey and Lily aside to let them in on the whole Glitter Force thing. She also makes the most terrifying face ever, but I’ll spare you having to see it. Kelsey and Lily kind of go, “uh?” and Candy, still creeping in that bush, is all, “Damn it, she’s doing it WRONG!”

And more shenanigans. Give me a sec.

So, Candy intervenes and tells Emily to stop being a fuck-up, because you can’t just go and point-blank tell someone they’re a Magical Girl, bro.

*sigh* More shenanigans, just a minute.

So, Kelsey of course turns down the offer, for reasons listed above. She says her mind is all volleyball and no glitter right now, which is fair, but she’s still inevitably going to get shanghaied into the plot. Kelsey offers to teach Emily how not to get slammed in the face by a volleyball moving at high speeds, and we cut to the end of the school day. I can’t claim to know how Japanese schools work, but I guess it’s common practice to hang around after school hours and futz about on campus. Which, you know, same goes for American schools, but most kids just want to go the hell home by the time the bell rings.

Kelsey, whilst practicing her spike game, proceeds to get totally wrecked by other much more competent players, proving that Emily’s class is a load of slackers when it comes to volleyball. Rather than Kelsey, a girl with some cool hair named Jasmine is looking like the MVP of the court this year –

Jasmine's the one on the left, with the cool hair.

Jasmine’s the one on the left, with the cool hair.

– and naturally that’s a bummer that can’t be allowed to stand.

Cut forward again to sunset:

THIS IS NOT JAPAN WE SWEAR

THIS IS NOT JAPAN WE SWEAR

Emily is walking home to her Not Japanese residence, bemoaning Kelsey’s loss earlier that afternoon. By no coincidence, she happens upon Kelsey angrily spiking a ball into a support beam of the Not Japanese Train bridge. She’s actually hitting the ball so hard that it’s leaving white marks where it impacts the beam. Jesus H. Christ, woman.

We almost get a bit of characterization for Kelsey when she starts crying out of frustration, but then the show remembers, “oh yeah! Tell, don’t show!” and Emily decides to inform us of what we already know (that she’s crying).

And more shenanigans. I swear, I’m not joking when I say this. This is a play-by-play of the episode, as I’m watching it.

Oh, and sappiness. I almost forgot that that was a thing in this show, too.

Kelsey says she wasn’t crying, it was just sweat (okay, Glitter Force, you got me on that one, fair play). Every the optimist, Kelsey agrees to let Emily help her practice for the game. Candy, meanwhile, bitches about how long it’s taking to recruit the heroes. Because Candy apparently doesn’t realize that it’s something of a process, convincing a group of strong-minded individuals with their own agendas and opinions to unite under a singular cause. Ask Nick Fury, he had a hell of a time getting the Avengers to work together.

Wolf is back, and for some reason hates picturesque sunsets (but they’re pretty, bro!), then we cut to the next day. Kelsey is playing volleyball for the MVP title, and Emily is cheering her on from the sidelines. This time, Kelsey Sues the game to victory.

Just in time for Wolf to decide he hates volleyball, too!

Wolf paints the campus into despair, much like he did in the first episode, and Kelsey is unfortunately caught in the emo feelings that spring up from it. He reminds us that every negative feeling puts the clock one tick closer to reviving his Master, because we didn’t register that the first time around, and then he kicks back for a minute to mock everybody, right to Emily’s face no less. Guy’s got balls, I’ll give him that.

Emily, naturally, steps up the sap game to eleven, and its transformation time! And it’s just as awful as last time. I really hope they just speed through the transformations at some point, because watching this scene every single time is going to make me puke.

We’ve a little over thirteen minutes left in the episode, which means we have plenty of time to get Kelsey in on the game. But that’s later – Wolf, anticipating the whole heroic transformation deal, wastes no time busting out his new monster:

A… gigantic… Clown Volleyball. Okay. Sure, whatever.

Emil- whoops, that’s Glitter Lucky now – has a temporary falter in confidence, but can’t really afford to get too dragged down by it, because the fight is on-

Oh shit, the Volleyball Clown is wrecking her day.

Well, eventually Lucky gets the upper hand, and is able to unleash Sparkle Storm early into the fight this time, once again forcing my TV to adjust the brightness down so that it can actually show the attack in action because it’s so fucking bright.

Problem is, we still have eleven minutes in the episode, and Kelsey hasn’t been recruited yet. Can’t have the villain beaten that easily, so naturally, Lucky misses.

Her ultimate attack MISSES.

I’d make a luck pun here, but that’s too easy at this point.

She tries again… but doesn’t have enough power, because you can’t just fire off two ultimate attacks in the same day, bro.

So, things aren’t looking good for Lucky right about now. But her sappiness kicks in again and inspires Kelsey to stop being an emo kid, and hey howdy, in comes Red to save the day!

…After shenanigans, God damn it.

Wolf does some villainous posturing about how friends are useless in his world, and Lucky gets all sappy again in retaliation. But, like, Tumblr sappy. And I do quote:

“Friends are the awesomest thing ever!” -Glitter Lucky

Kelsey has a dramatic flashback to yesterday afternoon, and then again to earlier that day, and gets pumped just as Wolf orders Lucky’s execution. Not that it does much good, because she attacks the Volleyball Clown… with a volleyball.

Uh, Kelsey? Ever heard of weakness exploitation? You’re kind of doing it wrong, chief.

But Kelsey’s too pumped to give a shit, so she goes on a suicide charge to try and bare-fisted-beatdown the Volleyball Clown, which is equal parts inspiring and awkward-chuckle sad.

But then Kelsey gets SO PUMPED that she starts to transform into Glitter Sunny out of nowhere. Candy gives her a quick rundown before it happens, and inexplicably, Kelsey acquires a Glitter Charm to power up with. I’ll assume Candy gave it to her. Despite the fact that Kelsey has, through the entire episode, thought the Glitter Force to be some kind of weird home she didn’t get, she somehow knows exactly how to do the transformation thing, and actually manages to make it look kind of cool, because she suits up with FIRE.

“This girl is on fire!” -Glitter Sunny

…Nevermind, she ruined it. It’s gross now. The only saving grace is that she has cool hair (if you don’t mind orange and yellow highlights in bright red hair done up in a messy bun, that is).

I mean, compared to the rest of her...

I mean, compared to the rest of her…

With one last dramatic explosion, the transformation is complete. Sunny’s hair goes from being three colors to just orange, but that’s fine.

And motherfucking hell, more shenanigans. I’m starting to hate shenanigans now, this is terrible.

Wolf again channels my thoughts on the matter (“Are you two about done?”), and Candy introduces him under his proper name, now – Ulric. Oh man. Herr, I’m so sorry.

And now the fight is back on! But it’s primarily Kelsey- crap, I mean Sunny leading the charge now, as this is her episode, after all. It’s only fair.

Candy gives the cue fit Kelsey to fire off her ultimate attack, Sparkle Fire, and after a brief rundown about powering up the attack, Kelsey sets to work. She conjures up a fireball which, again, is too fucking bright for my TV to handle without adjusting the brightness down, and spikes it right into the Volleyball Clown, who just stands there and takes it. I mean, if you’re just gonna do nothing when your opponent is taking so much valuable time to ready a super move, then damn it, you deserve to be disintegrated.

With this victory, Kel- shit, Sunny is officially inducted into the Glitter Force, the next Glitter Charm is acquired, the world is set right, and Ulric is forced to retreat once again, cursing his bad luck. The episode draws to a close on some more sappiness, and an attempt by Candy to be poignant…

And we get the weird MMD credits again to finish things out. You know, the end credits song is actually kind of catchy, for being cheesy as hell.

~~~

Well, that about does it for episode two! I will say that it wasn’t QUITE as bad as the first episode, but that’s actually not saying very much in its favor. It was still bad.

But, that said, I’m done here! Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! My posting schedule on this blog is shit, so don’t be surprised if it takes me forever to get back to this. In the meantime, I’m SC, and I’ll see you next time!

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SC Riffs: Glitter Force, Episode 1

Hello, and welcome back to Riffing the Riff-Raff! I’m your host, SC, and I’M WATCHING ANIMAYS!

*horrified screaming*

Oh shut the hell up, it’s a fun pastime.

Yesterday I was browsing through Netflix and found, to my surprise, that this random Magical Girl anime was trending, called Glitter Force. What caught my attention was that it had the voice talent of Laura Bailey in the lineup – you know, the same Laura Bailey responsible for Lust from Fullmetal Alchemist, and Princess Lucina from Fire Emblem: Awakening, and Jaina Proudmoore from World of Warcraft? Yeah, her. She does a lot of super-serious roles in media that are actually kind of dark from time to time, so I wondered if Glitter Force would be worth it. I posted a picture of it on Facebook to see what people thought of my idea to watch it and see how bad it was.

Not a lot of people replied – no surprise, I have a relatively small friends list and they all have stuff to do and some have families to look after – but the ones who did gave me a resounding “noooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

So, obviously, that meant I was going to watch it.

Below are the notes I wrote in real time while watching the episode. And yes, I do write notes like I write riffs. It’s really not hard to do when riffing is the reason I even care about something.

~~~

Not even two seconds into the intro, I’m laughing my ass off. The themesong is SO reminiscent of franchises like Bratz and Monster High that if I didn’t know I was actually watching an English-dubbed anime, I’d have sworn that I accidentally turned on a Barbie-meets-Power-Rangers ripoff.

Then the first two minutes of the actual episode are dedicated to the main character (whose name I didn’t quite catch) having a wacky-prophetic dream about her and a bunch of nameless faces that I presume are part of the heroine lineup later turning into their Magical Girl selves, a lá Power Rangers (like I suspected) – via MAGICAL MAKEUP COMPACTS.

Please, sit down, we still have twenty more minutes of episode one.

Cut forward to later in the day, and we’ve hit one of the most common anime tropes ever: schoolgirl is late to her first day at a new campus and is sprinting in a frenzy down the cherry blossom tree-lined street towards a Very Pristine School Building, fretting about the matter. The only thing missing is the obligatory slice of toast hanging from her mouth. Guess we don’t want to be TOO anime, we might scare off the audience.

All of a sudden, a Mysterious Voice hearkens to her, and what should appear from the sky, but a… flying… book?

Hey Booky, you missing any levitation tomes, by chance?

[I’d better fucking not be! -Book Specs]

Anyhow, and from out of the flying book pops a… frilly, pink-and-yellow What The Fuck. Thing’s about a foot, foot-and-a-half tall. Head the size of a baseball, body the size of a beanbag. Eyes the size of dinner plates. Stubby little limbs. You know, the standard anime biology of things that are supposed to be cute. I suppose it was meant to be the Standard Animal Companion you tend to find in Magical Girl animes, but honestly that little shit will forever haunt my nightmares. Oh, and it’s a none-to-graceful sort, as the very first thing it does is screw up its dramatic entry and nail the lead protagonist right in the face.

Yowza. Goose egg on your first day at school. Your luck is just not in today, missy.

And for no good reason, suddenly dramatic camera-panning whilst the lead girl is internally awe-struck by the What The Fuck.

…Followed immediately by the thing speaking, and then shenanigans as the lead girl gushes over how cute it is.

We’re three minutes in, people. This is gonna take a while.

So the little What The Fuck introduces itself as Candy, a pixie from Jubiland, the Kingdom of Happy Endings (I feel my arteries hardening from all this diabetes I’m getting), but then gets scared off by something, which bums out the lead girl. She makes a fish face, which in anime is code for pouty-lips, if you happen to be using it for comedic effect and not sexual imagery. The pouty lips, I mean, not the fish face. But hey, Candy left the book behind! Let’s check out what’s inside, right?

Lolnope, we’re still late for school. That means we’ll inevitably be cracking it open later, perhaps during the climax of the episode when shits starts to hit the fan.

But for now, DRAMATIC PAN UP TO THE SKYYYYY~!

…My phone wanted to autocorrect that to “sky tutu.” Uh, okay, I guess.

Now, we are in the school proper, in classroom 2-2 (yeah, that’s not an obvious visual pun in a show about MAGICAL GIRLS), and the teacher is announcing the new student to the class. Guess who the new student is!

Yep, the main protagonist!

“But SC! Her name isn’t something like Sakura Momozaki, is it?”

Not in the English dub, no. Her name, hilariously, is EMILY. Either she’s an American transfer student to Tokyo, or…

And we’ve hit another anime trope, one which I’m actually kind of familiar with: stage fright in front of the class, which gives the animators an excuse to pan around the classroom and shoehorn in the four other protagonists, who stick out like wacky, colorful sore thumbs amidst the sea of properly-starched uniforms and neatly-kept hairdos.

…Actually, I think this might be the only Japanese school setting that doesn’t adhere to an ultra-strict uniform code. There are kids wearing argyle sweater vests and light violet long-sleeved dress coats over their uniform shirts instead of the navy blue cardigans one usually sees in shows like this. I guess we’re in Not Japan, then.

Yep, Emily got all flustered and started saying the American Pledge of Allegiance. This is definitely Totally Not Japan Town of *Mumble Mutter*, USA.

You know what other franchise is guilty of doing that? Phoenix Wright. Except they tried to claim it was Los Angeles, California. I’m a California native, just FYI – primarily Nor Cal, in the Sacramento Valley area, but I spent three years in Modesto, too, down in the Central Valley area. I may not know the entire landscape of the state, but I’m pretty sure we don’t have cherry blossoms lining the streets of Beverly Hills, Yōkai prowling the cliffs of Mount Whitney, or Shinto shrines tucked away in bamboo forests along the I-5, thank you kindly. (We do have sushi, though. That I’ll admit to.)

Anyhow, after that clusterfuck of an introduction, the only redhead in the entire class pipes up all like, “That intro sucked, I’ma do it for you and make it better this time!”

Nobody asked your opinion, bitch, sit down.

Turns out, to the surprise of none who recall the first two minutes of the episode, Red here is from Emily’s dream. This anime is bad at foreshadowing, guys. And as Red bullies her way into introducing Emily for her, shenanigans ensue, and the class laughs at Emily’s expense. Just like an American school! WHICH THIS TOTALLY IS, WE’RE NOT IN JAPAN GUYS I SWEAR.

The class laughing gives the animators an excuse to pull out to a top-down shot of the room, where you can better see the Inevitable Female Protagonist Lineup in all their painfully obvious glory – and with anime hair colors, to boot. Red and blonde hair, I see all the time, so I’m not fazed by it, but I haven’t seen green or blue hair used seriously in anime in a while, tell you what. The purple/pink hair, I’m a bit more familiar with. Thanks, Naruto and Ghost in the Shell.

Green speaks up and calls out Red, whose name is Kelsey, don’t question it, and Emily again realizes, to nobody’s shock, that she, and Blue sitting next to her, are also from her dream.

I should like to point out here that every time Emily has a flashback to the dream, the girl she triggers on is in Glitter Form and has a really stupid name – Kelsey is Glitter Sunny, Green (April) is Glitter Spring, Blue (Chloe) is Glitter Breeze, and Blonde (Lily) is Glitter Peace. Yep, that was my blood pressure exploding. Room’s getting all fuzzy on me. I may be about to go into cardiac arrest soon. Someone call an ambulance.

All the girls have the typical lineup of personalities: you’ve got April as your sporty tomboy, Kelsey’s the class clown, Lily’s the shy little buttercup, Chloe’s the popular girl, and Emily’s the quirky new kid on the block. And, if I might diverge a bit here, Emily pops off with, of all things, “this is freaky-deaky,” as if I’m somehow not going to notice. Nobody says that anymore, of course I’m gonna catch it!

Emily finally shakes off her jitterbugs and introduces herself like a proper anime protagonist, and then things get sappy as hell for a brief second. Holy hell, my heart stopped for a moment. After that, Emily gets seated right behind Kelsey, and school ends in the very next scene. Emily trots happily off to the Library to find a book about fairy tales, which we all saw coming because that’s what she’s been on about this whole episode so far, and discovers an Ominously Glowing Tome entitled, “The Library of Legends.”

Okay, are you sure you’re not missing any of your books, Booky?

[…SHIT. -Book Specs]

Going against all logical response, i.e., getting the hell out of there and letting the librarian know that shit be weird in the fantasy section (and really, when is it not?), Emily decides to take the book out. Three guesses what happens next.

So after getting sucked through a rainbow portal, Emily ends up in a fantasy world. Which, again, fantasy section, you kind of expect that. This fantasy world has her in a gigantic, vine-entangled library which may or may not actually be a forest with a heavenly glow, which is pretty popular in fantasy stories. Bewildered, Emily sets to exploring her new surroundings, but then remembers the book Candy the What The Fuck left behind, and puts it on a random shelf according to a hunch. Turns out, the hunch is well founded, and the book starts speaking to her. And wouldn’t you know it, THE END IS NIGH, THE BOOK HASN’T MUCH TIME!

As it would happen, the book is the Queen of Jubiland, the Kingdom of Happy Endings, and shit done fucked up bad for the home team. They got attacked by The Empire (*cue Star Wars music here*), and acting in desperation, the Queen dispatched Candy the What The Fuck to find the five who would become the Glitter Force, of which Emily is obviously one, and you have no idea how hard it is for me to write this all with a straight face. Naturally, you can’t just BECOME a Magical Girl, broheim. You gotta go through some contrived fetch quest to get the stuff needed to do the deed first. Then you gotta get the posse together, and convince them to go be heroes and stuff, and blah blah blah blah blah…

See, in my NaNoWriMo story Mercalad, all it took to shanghai Ádreo into the rebellion was tricking him into thinking that he was carrying out a last wish from a dearly departed family member. None of this “magical gems” and “awakening of true destiny” bullshit, yo.

The Queen informs Emily that she is the only hope for Jubiland (the Kingdom of Happy Endings), and Emily responds how I probably would: “Well, shit.” About that time, a vision of Candy searching in vain for the Glitter Force appears, and SUDDENLY VILLAIN.

It’s a flying wolfbro. In a really bitchin’ jacket.

…So, I might be rooting for the villains now.

Emily somehow manages to dupe herself into getting sucked through another rainbow portal, because apparently, she’s not very good at pattern recognition. Landing back in her own world with all the grace of a baby eagle that got kicked out of the nest, Emily first makes a fool of herself in public, and then frantically scurries off to save Candy from teh evulz. And, you know, for having had the weight of an entire kingdom’s very survival dropped squarely on her shoulders, Emily is waaay too happy about the whole situation. Thankfully, she manages to get to Candy in time, and Candy reveals that Wolfbro is, I shit you not, The Big, Bad Wolf.

So I take it this anime has something to do with fairy tales?

Big Bad turns out to be some kind of mix between Punk and Wizard and turns the whole world (or at least the city) to night, and this in turn makes everybody emo as hell, which is step one to reviving The Emperor (*more Star Wars music*). Well, can’t have that, so now comes the part of the episode where we power up and take the fight to him, right?

No, we’re gonna get sappy as fuck first. Aaand that’s a stroke- hurk!

~TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE WAIT~

Well, Doctor Book Specs says I’ll pull through, so that’s my cue to keep going!

After much villainous posturing by the wolf, we FINALLY get to the action. Of course, it’s initially just running away in terror, but then we power up and go Magical Girl mode like we’re supposed to, with only nine minutes left so it’s probably gonna be a short fight. They usually are in the pilot episode, I’m not surprised.

Emily, now christened “Glitter Lucky” (and you can call me Glitter Kill Me), receives a quick rundown of how contrived the process to activate her powers is, and then suits up by way of You’re Doing It Wrong with her magical makeup compact- sit your ass down, we still have eight minutes – and the fight is on! After some more shenanigans. I guess my annoyance filtered through the screen to the wolf, because he finally gets fed up with this bullshit and takes the first swing. Emily- sorry, Glitter Lucky hides behind a brick wall, under the very, VERY flawed logic that wolves can’t get through brick because the Three Little Pigs said so – even though, in this instance, the wolf could just fucking walk around it – and then, going against all my expectations, the wolf turns an entire house into an evil clown. Uh. Okay, I guess. Seems a bit overkill to me, but hell, you do you, boo-boo, I won’t judge.

Emily tries to run away, but because nobody told her the exact extent of her powers, she accidentally breaks every Olympic high-jump record that has been, and ever foreseeably will be set. Candy, the little shithead, then decides to bring up that Lucky can fly. THANKS, YOU’RE A REAL HELP ASSHOLE.

Oh yeah, and evil clown houses can fly too. Not as well, though, and this one got bitch-slapped right back to earth, but hey, it’s a thing.

In the midst of yet more shenanigans (I wish I were making this up, but this anime seriously finds an excuse to shove them in every other scene), Candy informs Lucky about her ultimate attack, Sparkle Storm. It’s as good an idea as any, compared to running in terror until your legs give out, so that’s what Lucky decides to do that… or, tries to. She fucks up hard, let’s just say that. But, one dramatic moment later, her Glitter Spirit is powered up for realsies – what, you thought you could just bust out finishing moves without any base requirements? Fuck off with that noise – and picks up a dunk off the rebound, Kamehameha-ing the shit out of the clown house. Hilariously, the attack was animated so brightly that my TV screen actually had to ADJUST DOWN so that it could properly show it.

With Clown House defeated, Lucky drops like a sack of potatoes, and Captain Obvious Candy informs her that it’s rough work saving the world. (No shit, Sherlock, talk to Master Chief sometime, he’ll tell you all about it.) And from the disintegrated remains of Clown House, a Glitter Charm appears – one of five needed to unite the Glitter Force. The wolf gets away, because we need at least one recurring villain, obviously, and the world returns to normal again.

And, on one last sappy note, the episode finally comes to an end. Emily’s destiny now realized, she agrees to help Candy find the rest of the Glitter Force, which probably isn’t hard to do because I spotted them pretty easily myself just watching this episode.

And then we get some weird end credits that I’m pretty sure we’re animated using MMD.

~~~

So… Uh. Hmm.

This… this is trending on Netflix, huh? And there’s currently nineteen more episodes? And it’s got a four star rating?

And Laura Bailey threw her hat in for the voice acting?

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In all honesty, I guess I can’t really call it the worst thing ever. It definitely doesn’t compare to a lot of other anime in the Magical Girl genre (definitely not Madoka or Nanoha, let’s be clear about that right now), but at the same time, if you’re a younger tyke who doesn’t mind a wacky cartoon over-saturated with tryhard and sap, then I can’t really say that you shouldn’t watch it. Hell, you might enjoy it.

I might keep watching, just so I can keep riffing on it. If nothing else, it provided some good material.

SC Riffs: Living Dead (A Legolas Love Story) (Olivia) – Chapter Three

Hello, and welcome back to Living Dead (A Legolas Love Story) by Olivia’s the New King Under the Mountain! I’m your host, SC, and last time, dead chicks had a conversation, and Sean is very definitely getting the third-wheel shaft.

We come now to chapter three, entitled, “Whats Florida?”

Herr, I’m so sorry.

And because the author assumes us all to be goldfish:

*Just a reminder, words in This font are thoughts

That will never matter to me, because as I’ve mentioned already, Quotev fonts don’t register on my blog. I’ll just take those reminders out from now on.

Alicia’s P.O.V

Sorry Ghostie.

“Is she awake?”

“I don’t know”

“What happened?”

“Where did you find her?”

“Is she going to be okay?”

RIVETING UNATTRIBUTED DIALOGUE!

I heard people talking in the darkness. One of the voices, the second one I think, sounded like an old man and the other four sounded very young, couldn’t have been more than 20.

Pretty sure nobody in the trilogy was (too far) under thirty. Aragorn was in his eighties (meaning that humans must age slower than in real life, because he still looked fairly young despite that), Legolas is a couple thousand years old, Gandalf… don’t ask, and even Merry and Pippin, the youngest in the group, were almost forty and thirty, respectively. So, basically, you’re only one right for two out of five people.

I slowly opened my eyes, expecting to see Sean, standing above me, waiting for me to wake up. But he wasn’t there.

And he never will be again, either.

Instead, there was an young man, with bright blue eyes and black curly hair. He was standing right above me face. I shrieked in surprise and fell off the bed, right onto my arm.

“Sh*t!” I gasped.

Creeper Frodo.

Also, there’s no need to censor yourself. I’m fairly doubtful any unspoilt eyes are going to be reading this garbage. I mean, look at me.

Holding my arm, I got up and sat on the bed. I was right, there was an old man and four young people, but they were younger than I had predicted. They we’re all very short, and they we’re wearing no shoes to cover up their big feet.

“Young” for a hobbit is a full-grown human adult. Bilbo is 128 when Frodo sets out on his journey, for reference. He was 111 when he conferred the ring to Frodo, and Frodo waited another seventeen years in the books before he finally set out. Frodo was 33 when Bilbo gave him the ring. That means that, at present, he is 50 years old in Rivendell. That ain’t young, toots.

Also, the word is WERE. Not we’re.

Then I noticed what I was wearing. Oh look, another stupid link in place of actual description. Terrific.

That link leads to an outfit which is actually rather charming, and would look better on anybody else but Alicia. Also, if that’s what she was SLEEPING in… shit, do the elves of Rivendell not have nightclothes?

I looked up at the old man. “Where am I?” I asked.

The man turned to the other four. “Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, I think you should be off now.” He said. Frodo? thats a weird name.

 

It’s not that weird. It’s certainly a lot more tame than, say, Celebrian. Or Saruman.

Frodo, Sam, Pippin and Merry walked out of the room and through a big arch-way. I then noticed my surroundings. I was in a big room, with large windows that had no glass and big arch-ways for doors. Outside, the entire city was bathed in nature, flowers, trees and springs everywhere.

Ugh. An unfortunate trend in LOTR fics of this nature is that the story ALWAYS kicks off in poor Imladris – Rivendell, to those who don’t know. It’s the place where the fellowship is first formed and the mission to destroy the One Ring is laid out at the Council of Elrond, so I kind of get it; but I mean, yes it’s a charming place, but why can’t authors start in, I dunno, Bree? Where the hobbits first meet Aragorn? Or the Shire, where all the hobbits live? Or fucking Lothlorien, where Galadriel gives everybody sweet loot for their journey (including three golden locks of her own hair to Gimli, a gesture so profound that not even the greatest elf who ever was could score so much as ONE from her)?

Rivendell isn’t the only charming place in the series, people, and I’m sure Elrond is sick of taking in little spotlight-stealing assholes.

It was beautiful.

Imladris is very scenic, she’s not wrong.

So peaceful.

So peaceful.

I turned to the old man who was calmly staring at me.

“Who are you?” I asked.

“My name is Gandalf.”

“Where am I?” I asked again.

“You’re in Rivendale.” Gandalf replied. Rivendale? I’ve never heard of Rivendale.

Because it doesn’t exist in Middle-Earth.

Gandalf, the Valar are very disappointed with you.

“And Where’s that?” I asked.

“Middle Earth,” Came his reply. I sat there confused. Didn’t he mean Earth, not Middle Earth?

“Don’t you mean Earth?” I asked. 

“No I mean Middle Earth.

Gandalf means what he says, and says what he means. You cannot tell him that he is wrong, dumbass.

And Where do you hail from?”

“I’m from Florida.” I said. Gandalf cocked his head at me and looked at me with a confused expression.

“I’ve never heard of Florida.” He said.

“Well I’ve never heard of Rivendale.” I said. He nodded at me, with a concern written all over his face.

Touché, madam.

“Are you sure it’s not Earth?” I asked again, just to make sure I wasn’t going crazy.

“Yes. I’m pretty sure there’s a ‘Middle’ somewhere in there.” He said, nodding. That’s when it hit me.

A brick?

Also, she rather perfectly nailed sassy Gandalf, gotta give her points there.

~Flash Back~

Are you for fucking real.

“So does that mean I can go back?” Hope filled my heart.

“Not exactly, but yes”

I’m not supposed to care about this, right? Because I saw this plot twist coming a mile away.

~End of Flash Back~

Oh. Well that was short.

Also, Olivia, flashback is a single word. Get it right.

Then I knew what Justine had meant. I was going back, but not to my world. I was never going to see Sean again.

“No, no, no, no, no, no!” I yelled, frantically searching my self. I let out a sigh of relief when I found my mother’s necklace and Sean’s ring still safe and sound, on my finger and neck. But I was still never going to see Sean, my family, or Kate ever again.

Huh, so she does still give a shit about Sean. Okay, that’s cool I guess. I’m still not fond of how the author decided to write him out of the story, but whatever.

I was grateful that I’d never have to see Megan again, but I’d still miss our little fights.

It’s okay, the feeling isn’t mutual.

My heart clenched and i felt my self passing out.

*PANG*

*WHACK*

*THUNK*

***

Let me guess: you were hoping to make it look like an accident so nobody would trace or back to you?

Shades: Not that I would need the cover. But then I remembered that this bint is protected by a FUCKING COMPUTER SCREEN.

Which you owe me yet another new one of, by the way.

Shades: Hgrk-!

Gandalf’s P.O.V

*sigh*

“You know, I don’t take kindly to guests making my patients pass out.” A voice came behind me. I turned around to see Lord Elrond.

Elrond is sick of your shit, Gandalf.

“I didn’t mean to. I just asked her where she was from.” I said.

*Gandalf* “I thought it was a rather simple question, myself.”

“And where is that?”

“I do not believe that she is of this earth. She told me that she was from a place called Florida and that she had never heard of Rivendale. She also thought that I was crazy because she told me that she was from Earth and not Middle Earth.” I said.

*Elrond* “And you are certain, Gandalf, that she was not simply delirious from whatever it was that helped her find her way to Imladris?”

Elrond paused to look at the girl’s sleeping body on the bed. 

Creeper Elrond.

“That’s odd. A she-elf that isn’t from Middle Earth.”

Do… do LOTR badfic authors not know that humans are a race in Middle-Earth? A very prominent, important race who were once at their absolute peak, but then got kicked back down to the dirt when Sauron started messing shit up? Because it’s ALWAYS, “I’m such-and-such-part elf!” and never, “I’m just some human kid who got here because the plot said so.”

*sigh* Whatever, I guess I’m dealing with another one of these.

But not this chapter, because this chapter’s over! (Yes, that abrupt end is where the actual chapter cuts off.)

Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next chapter! Probably, Alicia shoehorns her way into the Fellowship. Because every fucking badfic author for this fandom does that with their Sues. In the meantime, I’m SC, and I’ll see you next time!

…So is this an off-week for you? Because usually, you don’t get fooled into shooting my screen. Like ever.

Shades: I may be sleep deprived. Went on a Silent Hill binge again.

That would do it.

SC Riffs: Living Dead (A Legolas Love Story) (Olivia’s the New King Under the Mountain) – Chapter Two

Hello, and welcome back to – and I can do this properly now, since I have the fic’s actual title this time – Living Dead (A Legolas Love Story), by Olivia’s the New King Under the Mountain!

No, that’s actually the username. I’ll just call her Olivia for the time being.

Sorry, Olivia.

Sorry, Olivia.

Last time, shit happened. I’ve been riffing other stuff, so I kind of forgot what happened in chapter one. Or maybe I’m just repressing those memories on purpose. Hard telling.

In any event, we come now to chapter two, entitled, “Justine.” And I swear, I’m not going to make Amnesia jokes this time. I feel like I remember going overboard on that last time.

Author’s note~ Hey guys, thx for reading! just a note, all thoughts are in This font!

That still doesn’t matter to me, because the font doesn’t translate outside of Quotev!

Alicia’s P.O.V.

I woke up in a bright, white room on a soft bed.

Didn’t she get hit by a car last time?

My head ached as did my arm too.

Oh here we go…

*Alarms Blare*

Good ol’ DRD, always there to bust my balls whenever redundancies pop up.

Except this time I laid out a minefield to meet them.

*explosions outside the door*

Yeah, suck on that, dicks!

I opened my eyes to see a face that i’d never thought I’d see again.

Was it Shades? It was Shades, wasn’t it?

Shades, poking her head in Why would it be me?

Because you enjoy shooting Sues.

Shades: Then it might’ve been me, yeah.

“Justine!” I exclaimed She smiled at me, her long brown hair framing her face.

Ever since Tales of the Abyss, I can’t read about girls with long brown hair without seeing Tear Grants in my head. It’s a problem.

Suddenly it dawned on me.

“If you’re here, and I’m here,” I started cautiously, “does that mean that I’m dead?”

Oooh yeeeaaah, because Justine died in a time before this fic, and that’s what drove Alicia to practice martial arts! I remember now!

Yeah, bitch, you dead as shit.

“Yes and no,” Justine told me. “you died before your time had truly come. You have been blessed with the gift of resurrection.” It took a moment for her words to sink in.

Well, it’s less bullshit than some of the other plot devices I’ve seen fics like these employ.

“Does that mean I get to go back?” I asked. Hope filled my heart.

“Not exactly, but yes.”

Stop yanking us around, Justine! Is she resurrected or not?

“What do you mean?” I jumped up but winced as a shudder of pain whipped through my body.

Hmm… that was ALMOST good description. Almost.

Justine pushed me back down and softly spoke to me.

“Shhhh… my friend. You must rest. You will find out soon enough.”

What, are you suddenly some mystical being now? Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you have to pipe up with the flowery talk, bro.

I closed my eyes and drifted into a soft slumber.

At least it wasn’t a hard one.

*PAK*

*PANG*

*BAM*

***

Nice try, Shades.

Shades, with a sniper rifle: FUCKING GORRAMN SHITE!

3rd person P.O.V

Oh no.

Ghostie, if you’re reading this, the booze is in the cabinet.

Sean stood over Alicia’s hospital bed, holding her hand, tears silently creeping down his face.

The heart monitor was beeping softly. She was alive but barely holding on.

You know, I’m perfectly fine with drama in fics, but because I know that this goes to Middle-Earth in the very next chapter, I really CAN’T take it seriously.

Sean reached over and gently caressed her cold, pale face with his hand. How could he have been so careless? Sean lay his head on Alicia’s chest and listened to her slow, solemn heart beat. It soothed him to know that she was still there.

What sucks about this scene is that I know the author intends to hook Alicia up with Legolas, because the plot is in the title of the fic, so she’s having her die on regular earth and come back in Middle-Earth in order to sever this tie with Sean and make it seem less terrible that Alicia just decides to forget his existence. Problem is, it doesn’t work, because rather than have it progress logically and have Alicia just be ruined at Sean’s loss, she’s going to IMMEDIATELY go ass over teakettle for Legolas. Sadly, this isn’t the first time I’ve seen this plotline before. That’s exactly how it goes, every single time.

Suddenly he paused. The beeping of the monitor had stopped and turned to one long beep. She was gone.

Yep, here we go.

Sean froze for a moment but then came to his senses. he slammed his fist on the “help” button and a moment later doctors rushed into the room. Sean just stood there, as the reality dawned on him. She was gone. For good.

And on that depressing note, that was chapter two!

Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next chapter! Hopefully we’re done with all this drama stuff and can get back to properly mocking this piece of crap! In the meantime, I’m SC, and I’ll see you next time!

…Oh, and Shades? You owe me a new computer monitor. This one’s full of holes now.

Shades: Damn.

SC Riffs: Tales of Onora: The Boy and the Peddler of Death Kindle Preview – Prologue (Dylan Saccoccio)

Hello, and welcome back to Riffing the Riff-Raff! I’m your host SC, here with a slight change of pace from my usual thing.

Normally, I just riff badfics, and occasionally bad forum comments, but recently I learned of an… “incident” on GoodReads that introduced me to self-named “indie author,” whatever the hell that means, Dylan Saccoccio. And from there, I learned about his book series, Tales of Onora.

Well, the name alone doesn’t sound too bad, right?

Just wait, you’ll see why I’m doing this.

First and foremost, let me make it painfully clear that Dylan Saccoccio is a spoiled, whiny, thesaurus-thumping little dick. Just read that whole page, or what of it you can stomach, and you’ll know exactly what I mean.

So based on that alone, I already didn’t have good thoughts for the book. And then I downloaded the free Kindle sample to see just how bad it really is.

And things went downhill from there.

Unfortunately, my usual copy-paste method won’t work here, so I have to make do with typing it all. This is gonna suuuck.

Welp, in any case, this is part one of my riff of the free Kindle sample of “Tales of Onora: The Boy and the Peddler of Death.”

So let’s begin with the foreword:

To you, that you may awaken to understand

How about we have that in plain, PROPER English, please?

that the whole universe is a dance of energy, and that energy is God, and that energy is you.

I am literally one sentence in, and it already reeks of bullshit here. Wow. That is a record for me. And I’m still riffing Kelly The Roman Warrior!

You are something that the whole universe is doing, that God is doing,

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just as a wave is something that the whole ocean is doing.

This just in: The ground is covered in dirt. More from Captain Obvious at eleven.

The real you, the energy, the soul, is not a puppet that life pushes around.

You’re right – I’m actually an animatronic!

EEEEEEEEEE motherfuckers!

The real you is the whole universe.

The real you is God,

Well, then I got pretty badly ripped off in the celestial might department.

destined to follow no one,

And then get lost and wonder how the hell you got there.

destined to ignite the ether,

Yo, huffing ether is illegal, dude.

experience life from an individual perspective,

As if it’s possible for me to experience it any other way. Come on, quit with your bullshitting already.

and take part in the creation.

See, the last time I took part in creating anything, I got put on the FBI’s top ten most wanted list for unleashing a kaiju upon the streets of San Francisco.*

And that’s why I’m not allowed into laboratories anymore.

*Of course this didn’t happen, stop looking at me like that.

So this is for you, my fellow creators, my fellow gods

Did you just imply that you consider yourself to be God?

Back the fuck up with your blasphemy, boy.

and my fellow selves,

Implying that we’re one in the same is a good way to get yourself punched out, fuckboy. I like to think I’m a better person than you every day of the week, which is less a brag than a fact, considering that I don’t bitch out my critics when I get them.

that coincidence may never disguise itself with the mask of fate and torment you

What the fuck-diddly is this, now?

that every moment be meaningful, and that no experience be lost.

I’d very much like to lose this experience, frankly.

From here, we cut right in to the prologue:

Prologue – The Inquiries of Devils

*Devils* “Remind me again, we sent this guy to earth to screw with humans, or…?”

Winter’s breath dusted the landscape with icy snowdrifts.

What is it with fantasy stories and starting in the dead of fucking winter? Like, fine, sure, start in whatever season you like, but it seems like winter is suddenly getting real popular for some reason.

Is it the snow?

I bet it’s the snow.

The stark trees quivered nakedly in the blistering swells of wind.

Someone get those poor trees some sweaters or something, shit. They’ll catch treemonia like this.

Barren ridges of rock jutted out of gravel and dirt. Patches of grass were seldom seen and mostly dead.

I’ll give Dylan this much, he’s not terrible at setting a mood. He wanted to portray a cold-ass winter, and I’m certainly feeling it. Likely, that’s the last time I’ll praise anything in this sample.

A cloaked figure’s boots

Can we for once have a character be introduced who isn’t hidden under a heavy cloak? I mean, you can still get the air of mystery from something as simple as an overcoat and a wide-brimmed hat, come on. Hell, I have characters who just dress casually that are mysterious by their own merit.

It’s not necessarily how the character looks that sets the mystery, children – it’s how you reveal who they are as a person.

crunched through the terrain with purpose.

*Boots* “It is not a pleasant day until I have FUCKED UP ALL THIS SNOW!”

There burned a fire in his heart, fueled by the one true thing needed to keep him warm.

We have now confirmed our hero to be a passionate man. Making progress, yes we are.

The taste of defeat can spur a man to do awe-inspiring things. It sows the seeds of vengeance in the soil of his soul, irreversibly so.

And suddenly, fake-ass philosophical bullshit from out of nowhere.

Exile nourishes those seeds, giving them all the room they need to grow and flourish, till the day their roots spread out of the earth and spread their matrix of branches that bear fruit of the most terrible kind.

I feel like there was supposed to be a point here. Damn if I can find it, though. All this purple is starting to blend together, and this is barely even the second paragraph of the prologue.

This was not the first time the cloaked figure approached the Gates of Septentrion. History had not been kind to him on the first excursion. However, this time was different. This time there was no army behind him or weapons in his hands. This time, he came alone.

Septentrion. Really. You named your snow-covered fort or city or whatever it’s going to turn out to be in the next paragraph or two, after a Latin word that translates, “of the north,” and is used to refer to the seven stars in the Big Dipper. I’d give you points for creativity, since my phone doesn’t even recognize Septentrion as a word, and the meaning behind it is actually pretty interesting, but considering who I’m riffing here, I’m not going to bother.

But as for the rest of this paragraph… so you were the field commander, at least, of a prior assault on what I assume to be a fort or city or whatever, and it ended poorly for you… and now you’re coming back with even less numbers and strength than you had before? Dude, what if there’s a bounty out for your head because of that attack? What if your face is still familiar to the guards on the ground? Are you trying to get shot on sight?

What he had within him was more dangerous than a standing army.

I sincerely doubt that. Unless you’re some kind of master wizard who can force death upon thine enemies with but a mere blink of the eye, you are walking stark-fucking-naked into enemy territory with no means of fighting back. You’re an idiot. End of discussion.

And so he advanced towards the entrance to the Nordic lands,

Nordic lands. Named after a Latin word.

…You fail linguistics forever.

sealed off from the rest of the world by an ever-expanding rampart of magnificent, monumental walls. They divided and protected the entire country. At mile-long intervals, for as far as the eye could see, lookout towers scraped the bottom of the sky. On each side of the gate, monolithic statues of ancient Nordic elves reminded all those who approach that they were advancing towards the birthplace of destruction magic.

So a Frozen Land in the North, whose territory is marked by a discount Great Wall of China, which is protecting Ye Olde Tolkien Elflands, which are the birth home of RPG black magic, to the surprise of none. So many tropes, so little time…

I’m starting to see why Cloaky McGee got his ass handed to him when he tried to lead an attack against these guys. I’m also more than certain now that he’s an idiot for coming alone and unarmed.

“Halt!” a guard from the city watch called down.

I can’t really call out the city for being several miles in diameter, according to the wall, but it seems rather ridiculous that you’d have the city guard on a wall which should be guarded by full-fledged soldiers. The city guard are literally just the cops of fantasyland. They’re meant for justice on the civilian level. Protecting the wall, and thus your homeland, from outward invaders should be the army’s job. Even in Mulan, who had a legitimate Great Wall, it was soldiers who lined the ramparts, not city guardsmen.

Ya dun goof’d, boi.

The cloaked figure stopped in his tracks.

“What business have you in the north, stranger?” the guard asked.

“Che’el De’Trezen,” the cloaked figure replied.

Here’s an important rule when creating fantasy languages: if there’s multiple apostrophes in a single sentence, you’re doing it wrong. Once again, you have failed linguistics. If you want to see how a proper fantasy language is crafted, take a page from Tolkien’s book – or, literally, look up his legendarium of the Elvish, Orcish, Black Speech, Dwarvish and other such languages of Middle-Earth. That’s how you make a fantasy language properly. What you’ve got going? It rolls off the tongue with all the fluidity of a rock. Kind of sounds like you’re eating one too, of you say it out loud.

“The capital?” the guard asked, smiling at his fellow watchmen. “My apologies, sir. We’re at capacity and the city hasn’t a need for austral beggars at the moment!”

Let me just focus in on that word there, “austral.” It’s a word which means “of the south,” and as you might have guessed, it gets its name from Australia, which is well-known as the Land Down Under. Australia, in the same vein, gets its name from the Latin “Auster,” later “Australis,” both meaning “the south” or “the south wind.” Why a bunch of fantasy world guards would even have that word in their vocabulary is beyond me, because I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t go shoving Australia into a fantasy story.

…Well, unless it’s Etrian Odyssey, but that’s set on Fantasy!Earth one thousand years after the apocalypse, so they have an excuse.

The guards jeered with laughter.

The cloaked figure remained still and silent.

The air simmered around the guard who had insulted him. The guard’s eyes opened wide and a blank expression eclipsed his face. Blood trickled from his nose and began to ooze out his ears like a crimson fountain. He put his hands over it then held them out in front of his face so he could see what it looked like.

Okay, so I guess my offhand insult about the cloaked dude being a wizard was more on point than I thought.

Also, guard? I think you’d know what your own blood is.

He whimpered a little as he stumbled to stay on his feet. His comrades stared in horror as they watched more blood spill out of his mouth and his eyes bulge from their sockets. They popped out like projectiles, leaving streaks of slime on the surfaces they bounced off of, spewing gore out of the pits in his skull as he dropped to his knees and slumped to his side.

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“By the time I’m finished with your city,” the clashed figure shouted up at them.

*Cloakster* “I still will not have finished my sentence!”

“There will be nothing but beggars left of your race!

Or that too, I suppose.

You shall be the austral ones as you look up at me from your knees, slave!

Wow, r00d.

And I’d like to reiterate that austral means “of the south.” Even if the author intended it as a way of saying the elves would be beneath this guy, I’m still reading it as this guy somehow making them come from the south, when they’re IN THE NORTH, which makes no fucking sense as a threat.

Beseech me for mercy, for this time tomorrow, the rest of the world shall baptize you as the guttersnipes who thought they knew magic!”

Baptism is the rite of acceptance into a church, dumbass. Learn the word before you go misusing it.

The Nordic guards spun their wizardry in an attempt to shame the cloaked figure for his insolence,

Hey nimrods, while you’re all busy trying to make the guy LOOK BAD instead of killing him, at least one of you could be taking initiative and firing an arrow straight through his fucking face to prevent him from doing what happens next.

but he was quick to interrupt their spells with his own. His breath drained the energy out of the aether and the spheres of magic forming in the guards’ palms disintegrated like dead dandelions losing their seeds to the wind.

So he’s a magic-sucking vampire? I’m not asking because I find it interesting, I’m asking because that’s how it sounds.

The cloaked figure

Find a new descriptor already. This reads like some of the sophomoric shit I used to write as a Freshman.

raised his open palms towards the colossal statutes and closed his fists tight like a spectator celebrating a champion’s victory.

Really? That’s how you describe someone Force-crushing a statue? Like some doofus in the stands about to start doing a victorious pelvic thrust?

You disgust me, Dylan.

An unnatural crack of immeasurable weight breaking in half upon itself and crumbling earthward split through the quiet landscape.

Just fucking say that the statues collapsed so loudly that it could be heard through the area! We don’t need all this flowery bullshit! IT’S OKAY TO WRITE LIKE A SIMPLETON, DYLAN, AUTHORS FAR BETTER THAN YOU HAVE DONE IT BEFORE.

The cloaked figure brought the statues down like a conductor orchestrating a symphony.

Herr’s gonna hate reading that line.

The broken halves plummeted through the city walls and the beautifully crafted Gates of Septentrion, reducing them to rubble. A giant plume of dust and soot skyrocketed towards the heavens like the eruption of a volcano.

Rocks fall, everyone dies.

Chunks of debris exploded in all directions as the cloaked figure guided them to his will. Once they finished crashing to the ground, everything became silent again.

Wow, this guy pulled off in five minutes what Saruman needed like a whole twenty to do while the Fellowship was passing over the mountains to try and avoid Moria.

The cloaked figure walked towards the once impregnable entrance to the north, now a pile of wreckage and a gaping void in the Nordic defenses. His lips discharged a dreadful smile as he admired the aftermath of his dark work.

That paragraph was doing fine up until the discharge part. I mean, ew.

Littered corpses twisted themselves over the shambles. The cloaked figure approached one he recognized. The Nordic guard stared up at him. His face was caked with dust and blood. His body body was contorted in an unnatural position and and pinned under slabs of debris.

Hell, I’m pretty sure he’s amazed he even survived that drop. By all accounts, he had no reason to.

“Please,” the guard begged, “Quick… Make it… quick.”

See, now, if I had gotten a wall dropped on me, I’d be using what little of my dying breath was left to cuss out the sumbitch who did it, but that’s just me.

The cloaked figure took pity on him. “Most shall know me as the greatest there ever was.”

Dylan fancies himself an author of no equal, but can’t even be bothered to start his dialogue in a new paragraph properly? What a joke.

He took his eyes off the guard and assessed the destruction around them. “But not your kind. No, your kind shall only know me by the trail of death I leave behind.”

Nah, I know you as some magical asshole with a chip on his shoulder.

The cloaked man brought his gaze back down to meet the guard’s teary eyes. The Nord stared up helplessly as the shadow of a boot eclipsed his face. He flinched but said nothing.

The cloaked figure stepped down upon the guard’s throat and shifted his weight upon it. The guard made a painful wheezing sound as his esophagus was crushed. A loud snap gave way under the boot like a dead branch in the middle of the road being broken by the weight of a passing carriage.

I mean, the guy was basically dead anyhow, but would someone like to point out to Dylan that breaking someone’s neck doesn’t usually guarantee death?

Charcoal clouds rained darkness over the nation’s capital, Che’el De’Trezen. Cinder fell like snowfall while red-tinged streaks of lightning flashed out of the clouds and stuck the tops of steeples. They blasted massive splinters into jagged hailstorms that fell upon the fleeing victims. Meteors split the sky with their sooty wakes, hurling themselves into buildings relentlessly.

Getting some hefty 2012-vibes here.

The cloaked figure stood amidst the the meteor storm of his conjuring. Broken statues of mighty heroes and exemplars lay crumbled at his feet in the plaza.

Kind of starting to slip into villainous Stu mode, now. I mean, holy crap, can literally NOBODY try and put up a fight against this prick?

A mother and her two small children, covered in soot, not having a clue what was happening to them, fled through the square.

…Ah hell, this is about to get real shitty.

Might need to put a berserk button warning here, just in case.

“Where are your tin gods now?” The cloaked figure shouted at them.

Hopefully, they’re still helping me out with my tin cans. Trash compactor’s getting a bit clogged up recently…

They shot a frightened look in rerurn.

“They’ve fled!” He continued. “Like you!”

Other displaced Nords stumbled through the ruins of the city in a confused stupid stupor.

“Look at me!” The cloaked figure screamed.

*SC ties a blindfold over his eyes and flips off the cloaked figure*

Shock glazed over their faces. The whites of their eyes contrasted brilliantly with the grime of their dirty skin.

Orbs of aether swirled wildly around the cloaked figure’s hands. “I desire your gaze upon me as I destroy you! When the deformities of your flesh draw the inquiries of devils, I want their questions to elicit this for the entirety of your eternal damnation!”

Fucking hell, guy’s a bastard AND an attention whore.

Also title drop.

Exploding flames engulfed the city as gale winds swept burning hot embers wildly about, igniting everything they touched. The cloaked figure used telekinesis to draw the embers to him and convert them into fireballs. He flung then at the fleeing citizenry.

The fireballs exploded into crowds of people, setting their bursting limbs ablaze, ejecting chunks of their burning sinews in all directions.

The cloaked figure turned his focus back upon the woman and her two children. The mother’s poise was fractured by distress.

“I long for your souls to haunt me,” he called out to them. “That I may best you over and over again for all of time!”

He heaved a fireball at them. The shockwave from its detonation blew his hair back and illuminated the whole square with a bright orange glow. When the flames subsided, scattered corpses lay gnarled over the cobblestones. Their clothes were singed off their unrecognizable bodies and their bald flesh was glossy like melted wax.

Gee, I sure fucking hope I wasn’t supposed to be rooting for this piece of shit. He’s pretty well lost my support now.

The tragedy of all things being equal in Nordic Elfin society, on this day, was that the cloaked figure also saw all things as being equal. There was no king to seek out and execute publicly, no leaders to make examples of. There were no statesmen to despoil, our houses or parliament to burn.

Wait, then how the hell did the Nords evolve as a race? Without some kind of established chain of command, they had to have been living under anarchy, and that’s not really living so much as hoping nobody steals your stuff and murders your ass.

It was all or nothing, and so he chose to destroy it all.

Why can’t we all just get along?

It had been lifetimes since Woden Caliph used the power of The Trivium to destroy Che’el De’Trezen.

Oh, we’re finally naming the vill-

Uh, back the fuck right up with that noise.

Woden Caliph?

…You do know what Caliphs are, don’t you, Dylan?

They’re Islamic religious leaders.

Holy fuck, your villain is a racist stereotype! I knew Dylan was an awful writer, but THIS just added a new layer to it!

Thankfully, Trivium is much tamer:

“an introductory curriculum at a medieval university involving the study of grammar, rhetoric, and logic.”

So Racist Man destroyed the elvish capital with Practical Thinking 101. Yeah, sure, whatever.

Let’s move on before I become violently ill.

Burning slag no longer charred the city, the clouds were no longer the color of charcoal, but now the color of pearls, and the streets were no longer gardens of dead bodies.

Everything else was just as Woden had left it, lifeless, only now the crumbled statues and ruined buildings were covered in snow and what little vegetation this time of year yielded.

Yeah yeah, real depressing, I’m sure, can we move on, please? I’d like to be done with this insanely long prologue already.

A boy, not quite an adult but old enough to fend for himself, stood in the same footing as Woden did in the city’s plaza, when he brought fire down from the heavens and lobbed it at innocent victims.

Ugh. Knowing the fucker’s name makes that whole scene so much worse now.

A cold chill have him goosebumps all over his body as he stood in the eerie stillness, scanning his desolate surroundings.

If you’re worried about getting jumped, kid, I’d say you’re probably not in any huge danger.

Nature is the fairest judge.

Oh, here we go with the philosophical bullshit again…

It is equally cruel to all things.

…Are you implying that you think all judges are assholes, you son of a bitch?

It left Che’el De’Trezen vacant and seemingly bereft of life, now, just as it did all those years ago.

The boy wondered if anything dwelled in the blackness beyond the shattered windows or the dark halls beyond the porticos and colonnades of the abandoned buildings. He equipped his bow and nocked an arrow.

“Just in case,” he told himself. “Just in case.”

I hope he also has a sword on him somewhere, because if he does get jumped, it probably won’t take long for him to find himself in close combat. Bows are, shockingly, not very good at that, you know?

He’d never been this far north before, but it somehow felt familiar. Something about the ancient city resonated with him. Even in its ruins, the layout of Che’el De’Trezen was mathematically perfect.

Not sure why math factors into familiarity, but okay.

As much as he wanted to stay and explore it, he was alone without a guide, and this was the last place he wanted to be when dusk swallowed the light.

The boy walked away from the plaza and left the residual effects of Woden’s energy behind. There were answers up ahead on the other side of the city, beyond the reaches of its annihilation. All he had to do was make it through, and then he would be closer to the truth than ever before.

Aaand scene.

Well, that was the prologue. I feel filthy having riffed through all of it, but now I’m one step closer to being done with this repugnant pile of trash.

Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for part two! At this point, I can honestly say that I’m a little worried what I’ll find from here. In the meantime, I’m SC, and I’ll see you next time!

…I need a shower now…

SC Riffs: Kelly The Roman Warrior (KingArthur2) – Chapter Two

Hello, and welcome back to Kelly The Roman Warrior, by KingArthur2! I’m your host, SC, and last time, Godzilla literally attacked ancient Rome, Caesar went missing because reasons, and Kelly and her magical ghost elk mount who speaks fake-Shakespearean dialect fled because more reasons.

No don’t leave I’m being serious here.

I’ve finally gotten back to this fic for chapter two, entitled, “A Meeting in the Drak,” and based off that title alone, I kind of want to see what’s in store here.

In the night Elkus and Kelly walked for mayny ours until they came to a small hut in the road it was maked off wood and sticks and there was a lite from the top of it.

Did this person never read the Three Little Pigs? Bricks, damn it, bricks!

so kelly got off

Ew.

and went to cnock on the door for see who was in it owned the hut.

Pfft. I don’t cnock on doors for seeing who is in it owns the place. I just ckic them down and ask if anybody’s home.

(No I don’t, that is seriously ill-advised, don’t do it you’ll get arrested.)

“knock nock hello is anyone their!”

No, stupid, you don’t SAY “knock knock,” you just knock knock! Sheesh, what school of etiquette did you go to?

she mutterd

The hell she did.

And if she did, no wonder nobody’s responding, because they can’t hear her.

but no one answerd. Elkys said it looks like no one is there”

I like to think that Kelly was just monologuing this whole deal and Elkus is just looking at her like she’s crazy.

but the the door opened!

Jinkies, Shaggy, you wanna work on that stammer you’ve got there?

it was a small woman with wrinkled face and a cloak and she said “who is it?”

Oh Evil Queen, when will you learn that the disguise only works once?

“hello I am from roman

You’re from Rome, dear, Rome.

our town was artacked by Godezlia

Godezlia is the silly younger sister of Godzilla.

I was the nonly survirvired

Sooo, then you’re… Dead? Did I read that right? Am I reading any of this right?

but I have noplace to sleep!” “alright you can come inside” siad the woman.

You are not very bright, lady. She has a sword, what if she’s looking to kill you and steal all your stuff?

inside the hut was dark and the corner was a fire and it flickered spookliy on the walls.

You wanna maybe put that out before the whole hut burns down?

there was a old tabel with herb on and some chairs

Lady, take your herbs and chairs off your old tabel, that fire’s gonna catch those things in a heartbeat.

and kelly and the woman sait down and Elkus sat on the floor.

Daaat’s ghost-steed racist.

Oh, wait, they’re on the tabel. Maybe it’s better for Elkus to be on the floor, with that in mind.

“hello Kelly and welcome to my hut” siad the woman “How did you know my name” explaimed kells!

Well, the narrator certainly did, in any event.

“I am very wize I can see into the future and the past and the presnet and I know everything”

Bullshit

“oh wow myabe you can tell me where is my farther he was in the house when attack but I KNOW he is still altive!”

Aw man, I misread that as Atlus. What the hell do I do with this Trauma Center picture now?!

Eh, fuck it.

trauma-center-new-blood-wii-screenshot

“I can try too see were he is but I will need spekcial ingreediants for the spell there are very rare”

Wait wait wait, is this a spell or alchemy?

Because if it’s alchemy, you’re probably gonna need this:

Transmutation_Circle_by_FT69

“ok i can get them for you what do you need.” “i will need a orge brain from the cave of skulls on mount terribel, a bag of gold dust from the mines in the deseert in the west, a cup of blod from a vampire at draculas castel, and one final ingrediant it is a rare plant from the junegels”

Let’s… Just… Moving on.

“ok I can find them I must know where my farther is!” showted kells and she put the saddel back on Elkus.

She ever took his saddle off?

Here I have a map of the 4 places you must go!” said the woman mysterylsly

What’s mysterious about that, exactly? “Here, have a map – WOOOoooOOOoooOOO.”

“thankyou”

Yeahsuredon’tmentionit.

and so kelly got back on Elkys and they road off to the Drackula castle.

Gabriel Belmont, run while you can.

Well, that’s it for chapter two! Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! Dracula is gonna be ripped horribly out of character, not much I can do about that I’m afraid, but in the meantime, I’ll see you later!

SC Riffs: Living Dead (Legolas Love Story?) (Alicia?) – Chapter One

Hello, and welcome back to Riffing the Riff-Raff! I’m your host, SC, with another… interesting deal for you today.

I was going back through my email inbox, doing a full-scale purge of a lot of my older messages from years back (which will probably take me a while), and I suddenly remembered that I had received an email from Lily Winterwood a few years back in regards to a badfic she found on Quotev of all places. Quotev is basically like Quizzilla, but worse, if you’re wondering.

She was only able to send me the first ten chapters at the time, and I have no real reference for what the fic is called or who the authors are because they weren’t included in the link. The file was simply labeled, “Living Dead text – 1.docx”, so for the time being, that’s what this is going to be called. I realized that I had never done anything with it since it was first emailed to me, and odds are Lily doesn’t even remember I exist, much less that she had emailed me this ten chapter thing in the first place, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt any to put it here. I might toss an email at Lily for old times’ sake after the first chapter, who knows.

I don’t see this being a very long riff, because I only have the first ten chapters. Not to mention that I’m not even sure HOW to start looking for the rest of it on Quotev if it even still exists, AND I can’t copy-paste the text without going to the source script, so as far as anybody is concerned, this is an incomplete fic called Living Dead by who the fuck knows.

I’m going into this completely blind, so I don’t have any background info to give beyond what I already did.

Now let’s get going!

Name: Alicia Divin

Age: 18

Back when I first learned about Quotev, I noticed that the fic writers had a funny habit of making long, stupid character lists about their Mary Sues. This, as you might have guessed, is a fic from that point in time.

Lives: Florida

Herr, I’m sorry if you’re reading this.

Best Friends: Kate Hurley

So named because- BLUWERGLEUGLUGLRGLBLRLRLRBLUEAGH!!!

Siblings: One brother, Jake

Oh yeah, they also made it a point to list family relationships that probably won’t come into play ever. Forgot about that.

Status: Has a boyfriend, Sean

Why in the hell is my cousin in this fic?!

Personality: Sweet, kind, quiet, can be kind of a loner, has a good sense of humor, smart, does karate and can fight with a bow and arrows, a gun and daggers. Loves swimming and soccer

Half that shit had nothing to do with personality! It was just the author trying to buff up her character with a bunch of nonsensical claims of badassery! And the parts that did stick to the subject just basically summed up what year in school this Mary Sue is!

FUCK, I’M DEALING WITH FRESHMEN!

Note from Alicia: Hey Guys! I can be kind of a loner, but you already know that about me.

Surprisingly, shit I read one sentence ago tends to stick around for a while. Interesting how that works, innit?

Kate is my only friend and that’s kind of a problem because her best friend Megan hates me. I don’t even know why. She just hates me.

I sympathize with Megan. I just started reading about this Sue and I already want it to die.

So i do what is in my nature! I hate her back.

Seems fair to me.

Kate hates it and tries to get us to like each other but I don’t really see that happening.

Probably for the best – I have at least one bastion of hope to cling to when this shit train gets choo-chooing, and her name is Megan.

Anyway, I love my boyfriend Sean! He is the love of my life, my everything, and we have been together since 8th grade! He’s taking me to prom! I’m so excited!

I could not care less. Literally could not.

Well I have to go get ready. Bye! Sorry if these chapters were short and bad. This is my first story, and I always accept reviews, suggestions and help from u guys!

Translation: Pat my ass, and God help you if you don’t.

DISCLAIMER: I only own Alicia and other characters that I make up. Everything else goes to J. R. R. Tolkien THX FOR READING!

Okay, so I can at least confirm that Alicia is the ringleader of the gang, so I’ll just assume that she’s the author.

Oh fuck, this is a Tolkien fic? That can only spell disaster.

Name: Kate Hurley

Age: 18

Lives: Florida

Best friends: Alicia Divins and Megan Patten

“Divins?” Where’d that S come from?

Also, that is a really, REALLY shitty way of covering up the fact that you named your character “Divine,” author.

Siblings: two older sisters, Jenna and Sara

Jenna and Sara

SARA

Ghostie, if you’re reading this, avert thine eyes!

Status: Single

Personality: Nice, considerate, friendly, athletic, popular, has a good sense of humor, loves cheerleading

At least Kate’s personality makes a bit more sense. I’m willing to give it a pass on that.

Note from Kate: “Hey guys! I have a lot of friends. Like a lot. You may think,”oh she’s so lucky!” but really, it can be a burden.

Your friends hate you too, shitlord.

Because half my friends hate each other.

And also that.

It’s really bad with Alicia and Megan because Megan and I hve been friends since kindergarten but I’m Alicia’s only friend. Help Me Please!!! Ok well bye!

Just like that? Okay, so how badly do you really need the help, then?

Name: Sean Wrede

Oh man, that name. It hurts me on a deep level.

Age: 18

Lives: Florida

Best Friends: Jason Hemely and Drake Nolan

Shit, where do these guys come from? Beverley fuckin’ Hills?

Siblings: None

Status: Has a girlfriend, Alicia

You poor boy.

Personality: Accepting, can be annoying, has a good sense of humor, athletic, sweet, fun, get’s bored easily unless he is around Alicia, loves football and swimming

So, he’s a nice guy jock. You literally could have just said that, and I would’ve gotten the message.

OR YOU COULD MAYBE PRETEND TO BE A DECENT AUTHOR AND SHOW ME INSTEAD OF FUCKING TELLING ME ALL THE TIME, HMM?!

Note from Sean: Hey Guys! I love my girlfriend sooooo much!

Just in case it wasn’t clear that a peppy tweenybopper girl was writing this fic, let’s have some dialogue that no guy, unless he’s a campy 70’s stereotype, would ever let leave his fat yapper if he wanted to retain his dignity.

She is everything to me and I’m taking her to prom tonight!

Stop shoving these lovesick puppies’ relationship status down my throat author, I really don’t care.

My best friends Jason and Drake can be kind of annoying (just like me) but they’re my bros anyways.

Once a bro, always a bro, even when the bros don’t flow. That’s basically the rule surrounding bros, as I know it.

Well I got to go! Bye Peeps!

Fuck you call me, boy?

Fuck you call me, boy?

Chapter One ~ Prom night

I never went to prom when I was still in school, what makes you think I care to read about it now that I’m out?

Author’s note~

Alicia’s P.O.V

Well, that’s always a good sign.

I quickly zipped up the back of my dress and slipped into my shoes. I stood in front of the mirror and adjusted my hair. Tonight was prom night and Sean was taking me.

I FUCKING KNOW ALREADY.

I looked like this: Some stupid link to a site about designing clothing sets that some authors use as a workaround to writing out their clothing porn, but which only serves to stand out even worse than just writing the damn porn.

Yeah, Quotev authors like to do that, too. And I may as well just come clean about it, the outfit is a whole lotta purple crap with a severely out-of-place red and gold heart pendant. It’s nothing impressive, I come up with better looks for little GaiaOnline and Recolor.me avatars than this author did for her little Sue.

And I can prove that, too!

Exhibit A

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit B

I heard a knock at the door and I grabbed my clutch purse and opened the door to see my boyfriend Sean.

“Hey Alicia,” he said and winked at me. “You look beautiful tonight.” I blushed and look down.

How can you tell? Are you seriously somehow not blind from all that purple?

“Thanks Sean. You look great too,” I replied. He was wearing a black tuxedo with a black tie.

Ah, the tried and true. Honestly, he made the best decision out of the two of them.

He held out his arm for me and I took it as he lead me to his car.

“So, are you excited?” Sean asked me when we got to his red Volvo.

How the fuck did he get a Volvo at eighteen? My old car’s a Nissan from the ’80s!

God, this kid really IS from Beverley Hills.

“Yah

Ugh. I hate it when people write “yeah” like that.

but I’m also a little nervous,” I said. He opened my door for me and I stepped in. We drove over to my school, Atlantic High School and hopped out.

Just YOUR school? Sean isn’t a student of Altlantic High School And Hopped Out? So what’s he even doing there, then?

I took Sean’s arm and he lead me to the front doors. I could hear music blasting out of the speakers in the school and as we stepped inside, it only got louder.

It’s like kicking up the volume on your earbuds, except you aren’t wearing any and it’s far more cacophonous.

I scanned the room, looking for my best friend Kate. She didn’t have a date so she was coming alone.

Hey, flying solo never hurt me any. Of course, I also made it a point to never go to prom, even when some girls from the Sophomore class who were looking for any good excuse of a date asked me. (No, that actually happened. Freshman PE, playing basketball with my friends in the class, out of nowhere a couple of Sophomore girls start shouting at me from across the blacktop trying to get me to take them to prom because they didn’t have boyfriends and weren’t really willing to put any effort into finding better alternatives than myself. It was a weird day.)

I spotted her on the other side of the gym, surrounded by my worst enemy, Megan’s, posse. I groaned and rolled my eyes. I guess I’ll have to wait to talk to her.

Megan, convert Kate while you have her in a corner! We can save her yet, damn it!

The song that was playing ended and a slow song came on. Sean looked at me.

“May I have this dance?” he asked with a goofy smile. I giggled and took his hand. He lead me to the dance floor and I put my arms around his neck, his around my waist. We stared into each others eyes and smiled and everything was perfect. He was so handsome.

I may actually puke.

“I love you so much,” Sean whispered.

“I love you too Sean,” I whispered back. I felt myself leaning in and saw him lean in too. As our lips touched, I felt butterflies in my stomach. I smiled into the kiss and I felt Sean smile too. This kiss went on for eternity. Then we both pulled back, and stared into each others eyes.

Yep! Puking time!

HORKLUEARGLURGLBLGKRALGLAK!!!

Suddenly Sean knelt down on to the floor and pulled out a little black box.

…Beg your pardon?

“Alicia, I love you so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” Sean said.

WHOA, SHIT’S GOING OUT OF HAND MOTHERFUCKERS!

*SC sounds a rape horn and violently waves his arms around in the air to try and break up the impending Bad*

Everyone around us stopped dancing to see what was going on. Sean opened the box to reveal a beautiful ring with the words “Love forever” etched into the band. It looked like this: (you can’t see the words, srry) Seriously, in what part of the author’s mind were these stupid links a good idea?

Look, I’ll admit that it’s a nice ring, but I honestly don’t fucking care right now! Some jackass just proposed to a chick he took to prom without even THINKING about consulting Ma and Pa first, and they’re both only JUST NOW legal adults, not even at drinking age yet?! Somebody call the damn cops!

“I know that we’re too young, so this is just a promise ring. A promise to you that when the time comes, I will marry you, if you accept it,” He looked me with hope in his handsome eyes.

A DIAMOND-ENCRUSTED PROMISE RING?!

I felt myself tear up and I was lost for words, so I nodded my head furiously. A grin spread across his face and he jumped up and hugged me. He stared at each other and his lips met mine. Everyone around us cheered and some even clapped. I was pretty surprised. Normally nobody cares what happens to me. Maybe they were just so drunk that they didn’t care. Me and Sean broke the kiss and he slid the ring onto my finger. It fit perfectly. Suddenly I heard a scream behind me. I turned around to see Kate with a big grin on her face.

“You’re getting married!” She squealed.

I can not, in any fiber of my being, feel anything but sheer horror at all of this.

“No I’m not,” I rolled my eyes.

“Yah you are! In like 10 years!!!” She said. I smiled at her.

Ten years. If that’s how long they’re gonna wait, fine, I don’t have an issue with it. But damn it, why not fucking wait until you’re at least EIGHT years out before pulling that shit?!

“Hey Sean,” Kate said. ” Can I borrow Alicia?”

“Go ahead,” Sean said with a devilish grin on his face. Kate grabbed my hand and started dragging me towards the concession table.

Where she then proceeded to beat Alicia senseless for buying into that stupid marriage crap.

“No!” I yelled and stretched out my free hand towards Sean with a tortured look on my face. He just laughed and shook his head at Kate. I finally gave in and let Kate drag me to the food.

…Was I supposed to laugh, there? No, honestly, was I?

“Eek! I’m so happy for you!” Kate said. I laughed. I was smiling so hard, that my cheeks were starting to hurt.

“Have a celebration drink!” She suggested and handed me a cup. I looked at it skeptically. Kate noticed my hesitation and laughed.

“Don’t worry! It’s just punch”

I took a sip. It tasted alright, but it was a bit off. I decided not to drink it. It’s not that I didn’t trust Kate, it’s just that i didn’t trust the rest of the people here.

*Agent 47, disguised as the janitor* “…Well, that didn’t work. I guess it’s back to the fiber wire for me.”

Kate looked at me with a goofy smile as a fast song came on.

“Come On! Let’s go dance!” she said and led me to the dance floor, where Sean and his buddies were. We all laughed and danced the night away. Then came the after party.

And where the hell was Megan in all this?!

***

I’ll call this scene transition, “The Sniper Missed.”

I know that proms usually don’t have after parties but our prom doesn’t serve alcohol and some of the kids have a problem with that.

Because teenagers are fucking morons.

So Veronica Manchester

Three guesses where she comes from.

threw an after party at her house because her parents were rich and they let her do whatever she wanted.

Oh, she’s one of those spoiled, high and mighty, over-privileged punk-ass shitballs. Fantastic.

I went home to change first because personally, I’m not much of a girly-girl and trust me, I may have gone most of night in a dress, but it was starting to get uncomfortable.

To the first point, I don’t see why you need to be a girly-girl to wear a dress. To the second point, having once been made to crossdress as Juliet during a Romeo and Juliet skit because my female partner for the assignment had already claimed Romeo for herself, I can sympathize. Dresses hurt after a while – at least, the kind with built-in corsets do. (My spine has never truly recovered.)

I decided to wear this: Hey buddy, don’t click this link. The outfit you’ll find on the other side is just awful.

Trust me, you’ll thank me later.

I know, I know, you must be thinking, whats up with this girl? Like, why da f*ck does she have daggers?

Because she’s a fucking try-hard Mary Sue who wants people to believe she’s badass and awesome when all she really is is an absolutely insufferable twat? And the author who wrote her can’t figure out what tense she’s supposed to be writing in right now?

Well a couple of years ago, my cousin, Justine was murdered.

It’s okay, she was probably responsible for horrifically mutilating and disfiguring many poor, vengeful souls herself before it happened. I’d say she had it coming.

(Amnesia joke, ho!)

That was when I started karate. My parents also wanted me to learn how to use daggers because they won’t allow me to use a gun.

Neither the fuck would I. Hell, I wouldn’t even let you have the daggers, while we’re at it. I mean, I’m already dealing with ONE dagger-wielding idiot named Salem over at the Library of the Damned, I certainly don’t appreciate that I’m now saddled with a second one.

Because of this, I always keep some form of a knife/dagger with me. Especially at parties like this one, with alcohol, where anything could happen.

So you keep a knife on you, ready to ruthlessly shank somebody if, in their drunken stupor, they make any sudden moves? Rather than, say, using your martial arts training to disarm and subdue them in a non-lethal but viciously effective manner that WON’T get you arrested for heinous murder?

Wow, aren’t you smart. The third-rank white belt in me is offended.

(And no, I don’t see that as a bad thing. Even the most basic moves can save your life if you know how and when to use them. Plus, in my mind, martial arts is in some ways a basis for creating your own means of self-defense, so even just knowing the basics is good for me.)

When I got to the party, I immediately went to find Sean. I found him out in the yard with his buddies, who were trying to see who could stand on their heads the longest.

Well, I suppose any practice for a proper keg-stand is good practice.

I rolled my eyes with a smirk as Drake fell on his butt and started making snow angels in the grass. He was most definitely drunk. I saw Sean standing near them, drunk as hell too, holding three cups. Probably their beer.

Nevermind, apparently they already did the keg-stand.

I marched over to Sean and grabbed the cups out of his hands. He whirled around to look at me.

Yeah, I don’t know much about drunk people, as I’ve never been drunk myself and have no plans to, nor do I hang around people who usually are, but I’m fairly certain that swiping one’s beer is a surefire way to get yourself punched.

“What are you going?” He asked me. ” We were drinking those.” I had never seen Sean this drunk so I didn’t want to get him angry. So I quickly came up with a lie to get the drinks away from them.

“I was just going to go fill them up,” I lied. He nodded at me and I quickly walked away. As soon as I was sure he couldn’t see me, I dumped them out on the grass. Then I went back inside to get them some soda. It’s not like I had anything against drinking, it’s just that Sean was my ride and I didn’t want to be caught drunk driving.

It’s a bit late for that, dearest. Also, you get them caffeine on top of alcohol? Dude, you’re only aggravating the hangover Sean doesn’t have yet, what the fuck is wrong with you? Get the boys some peanuts or something, geez.

I got them some root beer and walked out to them.

“Here you go!” I chirped and handed them each a drink. They all drank it greedily. I hoped that they were even too drunk to notice that it wasn’t beer. Thankfully they were, and they left me to go find Kate.

Uh, I think drunk people still have enough sense to know when their drink is swapped on them. But whatever, on to Kate.

I quickly found her up on the balcony, dancing with Megan.

Ah, good. My bastion of hope got to her first.

I rolled my eyes, but I had nothing else to do so I walked over to them and tried to look happy.

It looked like this:

I'M. SO. HAPPY.

I’M. SO. HAPPY.

“Oh look at that. The freak decided to show up,” Megan stopped dancing and crossed her arms at me.

She just introduced herself, and I already like the cut of Megan’s jibe.

“Well you know what’s ironic Megan?” I said and slowly started walking around her. “That the freak can get a fiance and the pretty girl can’t even get a date to the prom.” Megan’s eyes widened and looked down at my hand. I smirked. I had gotten her. Hard. She humped and stormed away. Even Kate had to laugh. She quickly realized that she had laughed at her best friend and covered her mouth but I didn’t blame her. It was pretty funny.

…Megan, that was a pathetic showing. A real catfight would have gone from zero to REOW-HISS in a heartbeat.

“Can you at least try to get along?” Megan asked, exasperated.

“She started it.” I whined. Megan just rolled her eyes at me. She noticed my empty hands and smirked.

“You are seriously not going to have any beer?” She asked me. I shook my head. “Come on! It’s a celebration! You’re engaged!”

Pff-ff-fft! The author forgot who was supposed to be speaking. I don’t think I’ve seen that since My Immortal.

This fic is amazing.

“Fine,” I sighed.

“There’s the spirit!” Kate cheered.

Spirits, you say? I wonder who I should call?

“I’ll get you one.” And with that, she danced away. I leaned against the railing, thinking about the rest of my life. Thinking about if Sean and I were going to have kids, what they would look like, what my daily life would be.

I suppose I could always throw the question at Lyle and see what her answer is. I can’t really ask my own mother, because she didn’t raise a couple of nimrods – she raised SC and KittyNoodles, who are by and far the better outcome of the two extremes.

On that note, if you guys think I’ve been being too harsh on this fic just by myself, consider that this is a Tolkien fic and my sister is a massive Tolkien fangirl with much more severe opinions of things than mine. Frankly, I’m being NICE to this author, whoever she really is.

Kate snapped me out of my thoughts when she came back with a cup filled to the brim with beer. She handed it to me and nodded encouragingly. I brought it to my lips and took a sip. It was actually good.

Really? I’m sorry, but I don’t buy that. My first experience with alcohol was the wine they serve during Communion in Catholic churches, and I thought it tasted awful. You seriously mean to tell me that a girl who has never had a drink of alcohol in her life until now is not on the verge of throwing up over a beer? Yeah, right, sure thing hoss.

I took a bigger sip and I felt little tingles in my fingers. It was my first time drinking so it wouldn’t take much to make me go under. It was addicting and I quickly drained the entire cup.

Yeah, that’s why most law enforcement categorize alcohol as both its own intoxicant, as well as a drug – because it IS addicting. And not in a good way.

My vision went blurry but I didn’t care. I was too drunk.

“More!” I said and Kate laughed. She brought me more. I drank it all. It was the worst mistake of my life.

Aaah, NOW we’re talking sense.

Incoming shit-loss!

*PANG!*

*THACK!*

*CRASH!*

***

Right after another failed assassination attempt by the sniper, that is.

I do wish he’d stop shooting my screen, though.

The party was over and people were slowly leaving. I found Sean and his buddies, who were all drunk as hell, and we made our way to Sean’s car. I was drunk too so I made no comment when Sean jumped into the front seat and started the motor. I got in the back with Jason. The rest of the ride was a blur until I heard the honk of a horn and then everything went black.

And everybody died in a horrible T-bone crash. The end.

Well, not really, there’s still nine chapters of this to go. Buuut, for the time being, I’m just gonna leave it here and pick it up at another time.

Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for chapter two! Shit happens, probably! In the meantime, I need to get back to my Library of the Damned riffs, so I’ll see you next time, over there!

…Marriage proposal at a prom. I just physically can’t…