SC Riffs: This wacky-ass post (Bindo Baggins)

Hello, and welcome back to Riffing the Riff-Raff! I’m your host, SC, and I’m doing something a bit different today.

Apart from trying to remember that I have two other ongoing riffs, that is.

So, who would have thought that my idly joining GaiaOnline and trolling around the writer’s forum would yield absolutely perfect riffing material?

Some backstory – I had joined GO previously and left on some bad terms, ironically enough because of the very writer’s forum that I’ve been trolling around now. It’s been a number of years since that incident, so I figured I’d give it another go and see if things haven’t improved over time. I guess I forgot about the part where trolls come in and post utter crap to try and rile up the forum-goers, because this one post by user Bindo Baggins rather took me by surprise when I saw it.

And what is this post?

Let’s have a look-see:

Before we go back in time, I thought about the pastime.

“In retrospect, trying to spiderman a bowl of chips into my hands with those novelty stretchy sticky-hands you get from plastic eggs in stores probably wasn’t the best use of my free time.”

I go through series and episodes of life and seeing that im going like pressing this time machine button, where things to be a jungle.

Look, buddy, time-traveling through jungles will not get Half-Life episode 3 published any faster, alright?

Everything is not what it seems .

Secretly, the jungle is Bindo Baggins’ form of Silent Hill.

Mind the pot monstrosities, kid.

As time goes by people think im insane. As a matter of fact i am. Precisely, its the opposite side.

“I’m not insane, I’m SO FUCKING HIGH RIGHT NOW!”

Well I allways thought that, there was this character it dosent really matter is he good or bad.

The hell it doesn’t! How am I supposed to explain him jacking my wallet without discerning that?

He had this toothy smile, he looked like a t-rex wearing a space suit.

So, he looked like the intergalactic police from Lilo and Stitch?

As the start wasnt a good begining its was a mean start.

Hey, it happens to a lot of guys, don’t sweat it.

The leaves were thrown at me, leaving myself being electricuted by this coldness.

I don’t believe you understand how electrocution works, buddy.

Screaming in horror people just stood there watching.

“The fuck’s wrong with that guy?”

I wonder where i am , am i really me or am i just a rock?

Probably a rock. A cocaine one, at that.

As if Im just a rabbit being tied up and chopped into kebabs.

Uh… Ow? They didn’t even bother to kill you first? Kind of inhumane, guys.

My mind is hit with coldness coughing for help.

“HELP I’M STUCK IN SOME  MORON’S CRACK POST SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!”

As if someone is watching you.

I wanna feel like, somebody’s watching meee~

The tomato sauce from pizza accidently dripped.

YOU MONSTER.

Think when to panic when its too late.

Well, if it’s already too late, there’s not really much point in thinking about when to panic, is there?

As the orange t-rex says “I WILL EAT YOU ONECE AND FOR ALL” said the Orange t-rex with space suit.

*Alarms Blare*

You know, I was hoping that I could go a day without having to deal with the DRD. Thanks for ruining that prospect, asshole.

[SCENE REDACTED DUE TO EXTREME VIOLENCE  AGAINST THE DRD]

And I wait for my friend to emerge a rat.But seems that I dont have luck,.As Jack and the beanstalk climbing his beanstalk.

Some days, you just can’t win.

Someone took me and flew to somewhere I had to wakeup and get out of this jungle .

So, they flew to a hospital bed and attached you to an IV to purge all the weed from your system?

Try and try untill there was a fence that electricuted me and i am now safe by now and I could wake up,

Yeah, you REALLY don’t know how electrocution works.

No more Nonesense simply jungle the end.

And true to form, that’s all there was to that post.

So… That was certainly interesting. It kind of reminded me of that crack Pokemon fic I found called Wabloo Swabloo, actually.

Maybe Bindo Baggins is related to that author?

Who knows? Not me, and I also don’t care.

Well, that was short and amazingly pointless, but at least it have me a reason to get back to working on this blog again, so I suppose that’s something. Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for whenever I update this turkey again! For now, I’m SC, and I’ll see you next time!

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SC Riffs: So wrong yet so right:rebooted (Ukawareta Okami) – Chapter One

Hello, and welcome back to Riffing the Riff-Raff! I’m your host, SC, and I’m here with the first installment of a new riff.

Now, before I get any complaints, just know that it’s completely in my nature to do multiple riffs at a time, so Kelly The Roman Warrior will continue without delay. I just wanted to get back to this fic because I was only ever able to MST one chapter of it, and then for a while I was cockblocked by my inability to continue riffing it because of limitations on my phone, which was at that point in time my only word processing device, and I ended up forgetting about it until now.

This fic is called “So wrong yet so right:rebooted”, by Ukawareta Okami, and was originally sent to me by TacoMagic at the Library of the Damned. Taco was responsible for riffing the entire four-fic zombie apocalype series, “call of duty:the untold zombie chronicels”, by The Insane Doctor (now The Insane Shadow Hunter) and JudgmentDragon25 at the Library, which have come to be called “the ID fics” by everybody who was there for the mess. (I missed out on the first fic, but saw through the other three, and was horrified.)

I came to find out that the authors of that clusterfuck are, by no small coincidence, friends with Ukawareta Okami on fanfiction.net – and I say, “no small coincidence”, because Ukawareta Okami got a frequent cameo mention in the author notes of the ID fics – So there’s little doubt in my mind that Taco offered this one up to me because he probably didn’t want to deal with it himself. (And I don’t blame him – you have to see it to know how bad it was.)

From what I know, and from what Taco has told me, it’s a lemon fic. What is a lemon fic, you may ask?

Well, put simply, a lemon fic is a sex fic. More often than not, a bad one, because fic authors tend to not know how to write good sex scenes to save their lives. I don’t either, so I don’t try. They’re also compatible with slash, as lemon fics often involve fan pairings that have no grounds in the canon. Although, I can’t determine that last bit with any certainty in regards to this fic, because I was only able to riff one chapter last time.

This fic is also set in the Legend of Zelda universe, which I’m admittedly not the most familiar with. Apart from a few games that I’ve seen partial walkthroughs for, Twilight Princess being one of them, I honestly don’t know all that much about the series without consulting the wiki for details.

Normally, if this were a Library of the Damned riff, I’d be divulging in a huge infodump right about now; but, since this is just me running solo, I don’t see the need for that here. The internet has a wiki for everything, and everybody and their mother has played Legend of Zelda at some point in their lives (except me, of course), so I’m sure it won’t be any fantastically difficult thing to look up the plot of Twilight Princess. Especially since it’s either that, Wind Waker or Skyward Sword that I can’t stop hearing about in my normal day-to-day.

Now then, I think I’ve said enough on that subject. Let’s get this shit-show started, shall we?

Midna and Link fanfic- takes place after twilight princess (roughly 6 months after)

Not sure how he plans to squeeze Midna into this fic; from what I know of Twilight Princess, Midna permanently sealed the gateway to the Twilight Realm after she crossed over at the end of the game. If it’s six months after the fact, I doubt she’d have any intentions of returning.

And so starts the rebooting of this series ( shall be fixing errors and adding a little extra content all free of charge , Whoop for free DLC )

Hey, buddy? I know the fic is about a video game, but unless it’s a purposeful parody, don’t treat it like a fucking video game. Okay?

title- So Wrong Yet So Right- yes its a lemon

Hell, the fic even confirms its own intentions! So, if there was any skepticism about my claims, there’s the evidence!

will bring in char’s from other parts of the series yes I will be making an appearance

First and foremost, get used to the poor writing quality. I’ve noticed it to be something of a trend with The Insane Shadow Hunter and his group of friends. The difference here is that it’s at least legible, whereas I had to squint and bend my head at a one hundred degree angle whilst chanting the Incantation of Tongues in order to read what ID wrote.

Author: my second creation how nice to start something fresh

Link: Fresh? What about yer first story

Author: on hold for now

Midna: you’ve got writers block don’t you?

Author:…No just multitasking

Midna: Right…

Oh god, I forgot. Ukawareta Okami is one of those authors who thinks it’s cute to take canon characters, OCs, or even his own self, and sock-puppet conversations between them in script-formatted author’s notes. This tends to be a trademark of MSTs, and most of my Library riffs, and so long as it’s done well and keeps to the personality traits of the characters used, I don’t mind it – just, not in fics, because it really takes away from the story when you see the author chatting away with the characters just before you get thrown into the story, proper; that, and the people I know, at least, would like to just get to the story and not bother with excessively long author’s notes.

That’s Ukawareta Okami’s first, and compound, mistake.

His second mistake, like the many, many fic authors who try this, is that he does NOT do it well, and so it reads like a cheesy comedy skit with clearly forced humor. You know, the ones where you have to force yourself to laugh so that you don’t look rude for not actually finding it funny. Unless you’re an asshole and just flat-out heckle the guy.

Not to mention his third mistake, which is that he doesn’t keep to the characters’ personalities or habits at all. Link doesn’t speak, and certainly not like a yokel, and Midna tends to be a tad more sarcastic and impatient with others. Or, that’s what I gathered from what of Twilight Princess I actually saw in the walkthrough that I never finished.

So, we’re already off to a bad start.

Author: Ahem for now I’ll be addressed as Shikia

Midna/Link: ?what?

Shikia: well duh I’m part of the story

Link: since when

Shikia: Since now wolf boy

Oh yeah, this fic is also a self-insert. I shouldn’t need to explain that one, it pretty well describes itself. What I will say, though, is that more often than not, S-I fics tend to fail spectacularly because the author turns their character into a colossal Mary Sue. They’re part of the story, so they should clearly be the most important character in the story, right? Nevermind that the canon of the story already makes it clear who the real important players are, and the author is just some John Doe coming in and forcing themselves on the action.

If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that a majority of the instances of Mary Sues are brought on by S-I fics where the author decided to start god-modding, because it happens so easily.

Shikia: okay enough stalling ONWARD!

Alright, fine! Dick…

Chapter 1- a depressed hero

Rorschach? He’s pretty pissy a lot of the time. Or maybe they mean Bruce Banner? Steve Rogers? Adam Jensen? Come on, throw me a bone, here!

Only a day had passed since she shattered the mirror

Uh…

takes place after twilight princess (roughly 6 moths after)

Wow, so, six months is a really short amount of time in Hyrule, huh? I mean, I know in Majora’s Mask that three days in Termina can happen over a matter of a few real life minutes (Until you learn the song that slows down time, at least), but damn. Hyrule’s clocks must run a mile a minute.

Crap, I said Majora’s Mask, now all I can think of is fucking BEN DROWNED. Thank you for my nightmares, Jedusable!

and Link wasn’t who he was, the once proud hero, a mere shadow of his former self. He was brooding, something unnatural to his character.

How can you tell? In Twilight Princess, he has almost no emotional output! (Probably because the programmers forgot to animate his facial features outside of cutscenes… Could just be me, though. I recall him being extremely expressive in Wind Waker, but not so much in Twilight Princess.

Aaand now that I’ve said Wind Waker, I find myself wanting to play Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag. Except I can’t, because I don’t have an XBox. My life is suffering.)

“Why Did she have to break that damn Mirror”

Why Do you have to Inflect on the wrong Words?

Seriously, Midna probably broke the mirror to get away from your over-dramatic speech pattern.

link

That’s a name, chief. We capitalize names here in SC Land.

howled punching the wall in front of him,

That seems a bit much.

a neat dent could be seen when he retracted his fist.

I’m sorry, but Link lives in a treehouse in Twilight Princess.

A wooden treehouse.

Did you see that word there? Let me reiterate: WOOD.

You know what wood doesn’t do? DENT. You know what it DOES do? BREAK. And do you know what your hand does, when you punch wood and you’re not a martial arts master? ALSO BREAKS. Seriously, did you not consider that, Ukawareta Okami?

Oh, wait, what the hell am I saying? He’s a friend of ID and JD25, of course he didn’t consider it.

Link scanned the wall surveying the various cracks and dents.

Oh, here we go again.

a neat dent could be seen when he retracted his fist.

God, you and details just have an entirely neglectful relationship, don’t you?

He then looked at his fist, the knuckles were smeared red with crimson.

That’s what they call blood in Purple Proseia.

A weary sigh came from the Hero, realizing he had spent the day punching a wall and cursing.

Well, considering that a day in Hyrule is apparently measured in minutes on the single-digit scale, I’m not surprised.

” How cruel love is”, Link thought.

You just now figured that out, skipper? Welcome to reality – Hurts, dunnit?

The hero’s thought once again turned to the woman his frustration originated.

Like some kind of annoying Athena from the skull of Zeus, right?

That exotic woman sometimes a complete mystery to him yet at moments as easy to read as a book, though Link didn’t fully know how to read yet.

Yeah, and the author writing about it got hit with a brick. Tell me something I don’t know.

Still Link was surprised when Midna shattered the mirror.

Still-image Link is in the up-and-coming Legend of Zelda game whose main gimmick is lifted right out of the old I Spy point-and-click find ’em all games.

Hey, it could reasonably happen – the game Okami did this really cool thing where interacting with the environment was by drawing on it, and the newest Legend of Zelda game gives Link the ability to turn into mobile graffiti in order to get by level difficulties, so who’s to say that they couldn’t do some kind of mix of the two ideas? It could work, and maybe be pretty cool, even.

Nintendo, get on that.

A single tear traveled down his face.

His seasonal allergies were acting up – which makes me wonder how he can stand to live in a treehouse, in a village, in a forest.

He saved the Kingdom, both of them but in process it seems condemned his heart.

In my original MST, my ranger OC, Fox Auburnus II, broke into a long-winded rant about why, if it came to being a big damn hero or letting somebody else deal with it, he would just let somebody else deal with it. And this happened to be one of the reasons.

“Some grand reward from the goddesses this is”, he fumed in anger, of all the things he did all the hero would get in return would be a thanks and a return to his normal life.

That same OC also said that he would not at all bitch about returning to his old life after he was done being a hero, if he became one in the first place. Really, Fox just dislikes the idea of being chosen for a greater mission than he usually receives, and I’m not sure why. But, all told, he would probably piss off a lot of potential fangirls if he ever did become a famous hero, given his attitude about it, so it’s probably for the best that he’s not.

“Should’ve wiped my memory while they were at it, at least then I’d be happy”, the blonde hero finished.

And then I wouldn’t have to read this fic! Huzzah!

BIFOCALS, GET ON THAT SHIT!

A weary sigh came from the hero once more, the irony of the situation dawning on him, at the start of his journey, he wanted to return to normalcy , now that he had a taste of adventure, he wanted more.

Kind of like me and riffing – It was just supposed to be a one-time deal, and now, presently, I’ve got three running Library riffs (although one is on indefinite hiatus until such time as I feel okay to continue it due to how bad it’s gotten) and two running Riffing the Riff-Raff riffs.

“Damn, I get what I wanted and it still isn’t good enough”, Link fumed further.

ALL WE DO IS GIVE, LINK, BUT YOU JUST TAKE AND TAKE AND- I already made this joke in DMC4…

The hero found a stool and sat, replaying the days events over, realizing how he wasted the day acting much like an immature brat. Link stood up meandering his way toward the bed, then slumping on it and dozing off.

So, to recap, Link moped about, pondered, moped about some more, pondered again, moped about a little bit more, sat down and pondered again, and then fell asleep.

What a… productive(?) day, I guess.

A ways away the goddesses were having a private discussion. A petite green haired woman led the proceedings.

The items on the agenda today: Whether Nayru should get a haircut, the Gorons and all their rolling about, and fish tacos on Tuesdays. We here at SC Corporations don’t really know if they’re a legitimate business or just dicking around with structures for future endeavors.

“Look at him, best years of his life and he is wasting them acting like a.. well… I do not know, but its unhealthy”, she huffed with great annoyance.

In layman’s terms, the word is “bitch”, m’dear.

The fiery red head then spoke, her idea seemed to displease the green haired one “And what would you like us to do spend the night with him I guarantee he will feel a lot better, not that he will be the only beneficiary”

Oh, my, this riff is starting to push the rated X bill – I’m trying to keep things PG-13 for the internet’s sake, people, let’s roll this back, now!

The sapphire blue haired woman spoke next a bit more annoyed than the green haired woman, “That maybe what you want Din, but I think we all know he desires another woman,

Link’s such a dog.

perhaps a bit of intervention is in order”

“Link, we just want you to know that we love you, we know what you’re going through, and we’re all here for yo-”

“SHUT UP! YOU’RE ALL OUT TO GET ME! YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE I HAVE THE MASTER SWORD AND YOU DON’T! YOU’RE NOT MY REAL FRIENDS!”

“Doctor, we’re going to need the anesthetics…”

Din returned the comment gracefully,” Oh and I suppose you know what it takes to please a man Nayru, my aren’t we the adventurous one”

Whoa there, Din! Let’s not go pointing fingers, now – just because she’s the goddess of wisdom, doesn’t mean it’s anything like that!

But seriously, way to go careening to conclusions before you even let Nayru explain her thoughts, Din. That’s a real show of maturity from a goddess.

Nayru sighed her impulsive sister could be a handful at time,

But only that one time. Most other times she’s too busy being a recurring character. (Yes, for the purpose of this riff, I do have Zeldapedia open on my phone for when I need to make a reference. Although that was probably obvious by now.)

“what I’m saying is we send someone to accompany him, someone who can reunite the worlds without a repeat of what happened centuries ago,

Somebody like… SANTA CHRIST!

…Okay, maybe not.

what do you think Faoroe?”

…Who?

Faoroe sat silently in pensive thought,

…It’s Farore. There’s no Faoroe in the Zelda universe, unless that’s just something else that I don’t know about the franchise.

” we could send Him he is the only one capable of opening a portal between worlds”

God?

Din added her opinion to the idea, “wait Him?, no way after we sealed him up and cleaned up the mess I was sore for decades, I don’t feel like playing maid

Hey, God has a drinking problem, alright?

(Oooh, I am SO going to hell for that.)

Nayru then spoke her words more encouraging than Din’s,

Nayru was a motivational speaker once upon a before the creation of mortalkind.

“actually given the risks and how long he’s been sealed I think this would actually work, although I will have to erase some memories”

Mind-wiping, whoo!

Din wouldn’t give up on her argument however, “No way he is worse than Ganon, what if he decides to turn Hyrule into his personal playground”

Well, then burn his ass with fire. It’s not that difficult a problem to solve, come on, Din.

Nayru laughed, “don’t worry sister he wont remember everything about who he was just his name, I assure you, he wont harm a fly”

That’s just setting yourself up to look like an ass later, Nayru. You could do with taking more precautions than that.

Din sighed, Nayru wouldn’t be this stubborn if she wasn’t sure about this.

Naturally. She is the goddess of wisdom, after all; I’d be a bit concerned if she was being stubborn about something she wasn’t sure about.

Nayru pulled a key from the sleeve of her robe,

Ah, anime storage compartments. Because when the sleeve is three times the size of your arm, why not stuff a few trinkets in it?

she remove the locket she was wearing a tiny keyhole was visible on the surface,

I will, to the end of my days, always misread that as Nayru wearing a tiny keyhole.

inserting the key and turning it, Nayru dropped the locket into a portal leading to Hyrule, the locket’s magic would take care of the rest.

And then it turned out that Nayru had accidentally dropped the magical nuke-locket, thus condemning Hyrule to its fiery fate as it was wiped completely off the map.

“well no turning back now”, Din added a look of worry apparent on her face.

Unless Nayru has it attached to a string, that is. Then she can just yo-yo the locket back up into her hand and call it off.

I’m guessing she doesn’t, though…

As the locket fell It took the shape of a person,

Ack! It’s some kind of whacked-out homunculus!

landing in Hyrule field,

And breaking both his legs because Nayru didn’t give him a parachute-

*whisper mutter mumble*

Aw, fuck, that didn’t happen.

the figure groaned, stirring awake, the bits of the locket that were left formed clothes for the now apparent young male teen,

Of course he’s a teenager. Because nobody has heard of adults ever getting sex, right?

And why did the locket form clothing for him? I’m sorry, there’s a certain bullshit threshold I’m not willing to cross when a living being comes into existence in any story, and that’s where they pop into existence, and then suddenly clothing happens so that nobody has to see their nakedness because the author has issues saying, “this guy was in the buff.”

First of all: Seriously? Nudity is a thing. It’s inescapable. I’ve grown comfortable talking about it. It was an expression of art in the early days of civilized humanity, the only reason it’s not now is because some people didn’t like it and so went and tried their hardest to make it a not-okay-thing.

Second of all: It’s just stupid that there would be a secondary function to genesis-type magic that would just arbitrarily create clothing for you. And typically, when that happens, rather than being chiefly concerned with that person simply being covered for the sake of keeping them warm, authors try and make the clothes as cool and trendy as possible. I’m not into that nonsense.

To add on to that, though, I don’t necessarily mind the clothing styles when it’s written properly. If they appeared with the clothing already on due to past circumstances, fine. If some celestial being draped a blanket or something on them and then disappeared, fine. Hell, even if they show up naked, and then the clothing materializes onto them, I’m okay with that, because perhaps those materialized clothes have some other meaning aside from simply being garments.

But, “poof, have some clothes because reasons”? Nope, not happening. Not on my watch, chief.

he opened his eyes surveying the world around him, eying the clothes next to him he quickly dressed, hoping no one saw his nude form. The young man sneezed,

And flew right back out of his clothing, thus having to restart the process.

That doesn’t actually happen, sadly, but it would be hilarious if it did.

“damn its cold and all I get to cover up is a pair of shorts and a shirt”, he shouted angry at the situation he was in.

Oh, he was angry that the goddesses gave him some shit clothing for cold weather? I thought his bitching was joyful, I totally didn’t realize. (Whoo! Now it reeks of bullshit in here!)

The young teen stood up his long white hair swayed in the passing breeze,

Why is it ALWAYS white hair?

And why is it LONG white hair? What, are you trying to be some Inuyasha rip-off?

he rubbed his arms vigorously, a note fell from the sky. Reading it quickly he headed in the direction of the forest as it instructed. High above the goddesses watched the scene unfold with calculating eyes.

Well, that was quaint of them. I’d have personally gone for the creepy, genderless apparition with vague words of guidance. But, I’m kind of old fashioned like that.

” I do pray sister..that he is able to resolve the current dilema Faoroe’s chosen faces

Nope, it’s still Farore. Nothing has changed for you in the last two-ish paragraphs, author.

and perhaps”, she paused looking at the young man with sad eyes, ” his own”, she finished.

DUN DUN.

Chapter one end

Oh gee, I couldn’t have guessed, you fuckwit.

Shikia: damn it is cold

Wait, so the Inuyasha wannabe is the author insert? Dude, his character is fucking ridiculous.

Link: wow sucks to be you

Shikia: just wait buddy you’ll get yours

Midna: do anything and you’ll find yourself eating food through a straw for a week

Shikia: sorry didn’t mean to threaten your boy toy

Midna: (laughs)

Shikia: what?

COMEDY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

Link: just how badly do I get hurt in this so called “story”?

Shikia: well…uh…That’s a good question

Link: Right thought so

Midna: I take it there will be a chapter two

Shikia: Yes… (ideas?)

You did not seriously just ask your audience for ideas in your own lemon fic. If you’re going to write a lemon fic, use your own perverted fucking imagination and FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF!

So long folks see ya in Chapter two,

And so will I! Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for next chapter! From here on out, I am flying blind, so it’ll be an interesting ride for everybody. Until then, I’m SC, and I’ll see you next time!

SC Riffs: Kelly The Roman Warrior (KingArthur2) – Chapter One

Hello, and welcome to my very first installment of Riffing the Riff-Raff, where I go out and find badfics to read for the sole purpose of poking fun at them at the expense of the authors.

What? No, this isn’t Library of the Damned… but it was certainly inspired by them, and others.

I wanted to kick off the new blog with a riff that actually is less painful for me than it is blatantly hilarious. The fic I’m riffing today is called Kelly The Roman Warrior, by KingArthur2. Some may recall that I had an ongoing MST of it on my DA page that I never use anymore. Needless to say, it’s pretty much been abandoned. And I was making such good progress, too…

Well, I didn’t want to leave a good thing unfinished, so I decided to revisit it for a more thorough riffing.

Before we begin, some info on the fic:

Let me just state now that this fic is easily one of the most hilariously bad things I’ve ever written. The author claims that their friend helped them write it, and a fat lot of good that did, and somehow – somehow – it is a Lord of the Rings/Twilight crossover. I’ll not deny that such monstrosities exist, and that I’ve simply never run across one before and thus know nothing of the horrors that lie within, but I find it extremely difficult to believe that what follows is anything even remotely related to Lord of the Rings, or Twilight, at least aside from a few character cameos that happen throughout the story. I’m halfway convinced that this thing was an attempt at a trollfic, but at only six reviews, it apparently didn’t take. Damn shame, really, because it’s bad almost on the level of My Immortal, and I think it deserves a bit more internet love for that.

Yes, I did just say that My Immortal deserves internet love, and so does Kelly The Roman Warrior. When something is so atrociously, legendarily bad, that you can’t help but laugh your ass off at it before the embrace of insanity closes tightly around your mind and makes you wish for the cold silence of death so that you can finally tear your eyes away from the trainwreck you’ve been staring at, it truly deserves to be remembered and spread throughout the internet, rather than ignored like Kelly The Roman Warrior, or stamped out of existence multiple times like My Immortal has repeatedly been by angry mods; perhaps as a warning to the children that will follow us, so as to potentially dissuade them from ever making a similar mistake, or perhaps as a tale of jest told about the table to friends, so as to elicit the exquisite responses of, “Dude, was somebody really so shit-brained that they thought writing that crap was a good idea?”

Regardless, it deserves attention, god damn it.

Well, I’ve said about as much as I can about this fic without needing it to show its own true colors, so here we go with chapter one: Kelly and the Fires.

It was 2000 year in the past in roman

Sooo, if it’s two thousand years prior to, I assume, the fic’s publish date, that would make it the year… twelve?

Uh, I’m fairly certain that the Roman Empire existed a little ways after that point in time, KingArthur2 – 27, A.D., to be exact. In fact, if I’m following history correctly, the Roman Empire was at the peak of its power in the year 117 A.D., which is quite a number of years after your timeline. And more than that, the supposed emperor of this fic, according to the story description, is Gaius Julius Caesar (better known as just Julius Caesar to most people), who:

A) Was never emperor

and:

B) Ruled as Dictator of the Roman Republic from October in 49, B.C. to March 15 in 44, B.C., both of which were dates long before the year twelve, which – if it’s only two thousand years before now – is most definitely A.D. Fuckin’ Octavian Caesar hadn’t even ascended the throne then, guy was probably off fighting in the civil wars that were going on.

But hey, what do I know, right? If the fic author decrees that it’s 12, A.D., under the reign of apparent emperor Gaius Julius Caesar, then by God, so it shall be.

and there was a girl

Just the one; Rome wasn’t big on the lady-folks, apparently. (Welp, sorry, Feminism. Guess the level of oppression goes a bit deeper in Rome than history made it out to be)

and her name was kelly mariena ceaser joenson and she was 19 years old.

Okay, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that that name is about as far from anything Roman as you can get in one shot.

If I may explain:

The name Kelly is an Irish surname often given as a first name to both girls and boys, and means “bright-headed”, “strife”, or possibly something related to monasteries and churches.

The name Mariena is probably supposed to be Marina, which could (emphasis on “could”) be Latin, American, or Russian, and means “of/from the sea”. This name is probably the closest to being accurate without blatantly ripping off the name Caesar, and likely unintentionally so. I blame the Infinite Monkey Theorem for this one.

The name Ceasar is a one-letter misspelling of Caesar, which was the surname of Gaius Julius and Octavian/Augustus. If Kelly is supposed to be the daughter of Julius Caesar, despite that Augustus was his only successor, this name would need to be last on the list; so, while technically correct, I refuse to count it because it was incorrectly used. More than that, as stated above, it’s basically just a rip-off so that the author isn’t 100% wrong.

Finally, the name Joenson may possibly be a misspelling of Johnson, Jensen, or maybe even Joel, which are, respectively, Hebrew, Finnish, and Hebrew, again, and respectively mean, “God is gracious”, “Son of Johannes”, and “The Lord is God”.

Exactly two of those four names are anywhere even close to correct, and only one of them is exactly correct, but only because of in-fic familial relationships.

KingArthur2, you fail names forever.

She had balck hair down to her wayst and a prefect face

To this day, I have no idea how one has a prefect face. I know the meaning of the word, but not how it could be applied to one’s facial structure. Somebody is going to need to explain that one to me.

Also, black hair to your waist? Considering what the next sentence entails, I’m inclined to take issue with that.

and wored a roman armor and sword and helmet maked of gold and sliver and it was cost alot of mooney.

Go ahead and google how Roman centurion armor works, real quick. I’ll wait.

Oh, you’re back! Hey, so did you notice that centurion armor doesn’t really accommodate long hair all that well? I did.

And as I did before in my original MST, and then promptly forgot about in my ongoing Library of the Damned riff of Tales of Vesperia: The Blastia Age Restored, I shall now divulge to you why gold and silver are terrible, terrible choices for armor and weaponry.

Let’s start with gold:

– Malleability. Gold can be bent by holding it between your teeth and twisting with your thumb, practically.
– Weight. Gold, when packed on tightly enough, is equatable to solid lead in terms of weight, and that tends to hamper breathing and movement.
– Brittleness. Gold can break quite easily, meaning that any armor or weaponry made of the stuff won’t be able to handle much, if any, abuse.
– Currency value. This is the big one. Ancient Rome used gold as a currency, why would they waste that kind of resource on body armor and weaponry?

“But, SC! What about decoration?”

Two words: Gold. Leaf. Less value, not pure gold, plenty on hand. No harm to the treasury.

Moving on down to silver:

– Brittleness. Yeah, silver’s not much better than gold in that regard. In fact, I might even call it worse.
– Malleability. Same deal, you can make silver bend like a pretzel.
– Electrical conductivity. Silver wire has the highest level of conductivity out of any other metal in the world. Note that I said WIRE. Holy shit, could you imagine a centurion walking on the battlefield during a thunderstorm with a silver sword in his hand? One chance bolt of lightning, and buh-bye centurion.
– Currency value. Silver was used as currency, too. Maybe it wasn’t as valued, but again I ask, why would they waste an important resource on battle equipment?

Don’t you dare say decoration. Silver leaf is a thing, too.

– Medicinal value. I don’t know if ancient Rome had any idea about this, but in the modern world, silver compounds have disinfectant and antimicrobial properties. At least in the modern world, if we weren’t using silver for anything else, we’d be keeping it on hand for medicine, not weapons and armor.
– Cutlery. Silverware, anybody? Except, with all that I’ve mentioned already, it’s easy to guess that it wasn’t very good silverware, and eventually got outclassed by steel in that regard.
– Maintenance. Silver is a BITCH to clean and keep up. I have a silver basin in my house that used to be my grandmother’s, and ooooooooh MAN, does the oxidation hit like a truck. I could end up spending hours wiping the motherfucker down.

Not fun.

So, in closing, if you want to look stylish at the expense of your health and everybody else’s paychecks, then go right on ahead an use gold and silver in your equipment. I’ll just be over here, with my brass/steel armor and equipment.

She liffed in a big roman house wilth pilars and eberything

As, I would assume, is standard for ancient Rome.

and her farther was rickch he was the ceaser and he owned all the houses for 100s miles around and he had thousands of roman dollars what they used in 2000 year ago.

Caesar is not a term of royalty. Caesar is a name. And for being the emperor of Rome, having a power sphere of only a few hundreds of miles is kind of sad, because the Roman Empire expanded almost across the entirety of what is known today as Europe.

As for the Roman currency, that’s a bit tricky to explain. It doesn’t fall under any one name, and it was all coins.

According to Wikipedia’s values as set by each timeframe, the currency worked like this:

In the days of the Republic:

Denarius is the lowest value, at exactly one dollar’s worth.
Sesterius is worth four Denarii
Dupondius is worth five Denarii
As is worth ten Denarii
Semis is worth twenty Denarii
Quincunx is worth twenty-four Denarii
Triens is worth thirty Denarii
Quadrans is worth forty Denarii
Uncia is the highest value, and is worth one hundred and twenty Denarii.

In Augustan times:

Aureus is the lowest value, and is worth one dollar.
Quinarius Aureus is worth two Aureus
Denarius jumps up the grid and is worth twenty-five Aureus
Quinarius Argenteus is worth fifty Aureus
Sestertius is worth one hundred Aureus
Dupondius jumps up the grid and is worth two hundred Aureus
As jumps up the grid and is worth four hundred Aureus
Semis jumps up the grid and is worth eight hundred Aureus
Quadrans jumps up the grid and is worth one thousand, six hundred Aureus.

In Diocletian times:

Solidus is the lowest value and is worth one dollar
Argenteus is worth ten Solidus
Nummus is worth forty Solidus
Radiate is worth two hundred Solidus
Laureate is worth five hundred Solidus
Denarius jumps up the grid again and is worth one thousand Solidus

In Late Imperial times:

Solidus remains the lowest value, and is still only worth one dollar
Miliarense is worth twelve Solidus
Siliqua is worth twenty-four Solidus
Follis is worth one hundred and eighty Solidus
Nummus jumps up the grid and is worth seven thousand, two hundred Solidus.

Her mother was ded she was kill in a invashion one year after kelly was bornd

Naturally. Can’t have any potential for somebody to outclass the Sue, even if it is her own mother. That’s just treason.

it was very sad and then her dad wanted her to be like a girl and not to fihght in the war.

Because women have never had any battlefield involvement in the history of existence.

Except for Viking women, female Samurai, Kunoichi, women in the Viet Cong, Joan of Arc, Queen Elizabeth, the Valkyrie of Norse mythology, the goddess Athena during the battle of Troy…

“i whant to fight in war” she sayed but farther said “no you mist not wat happen if you ded aswell i would cry for years”

Man, Caesar’s throat is gonna be sore from all that crying.

and then kelly was unset. “farther is rong I will find a way to go to the war i must figt for romans!” she wisper to herself as she wented out the room.

You know how Devil May Cry 4:Remake has been pissing me off with its inability to identify actual exclamations? Well, this is the polar opposite of that – Though I’m willing to accept that maybe she might have been speaking softly, she certainly wasn’t whispering if there was an exclamation mark at the end of that sentence.

The next mornding kelly was woke up in the house by a butler who was her dad slave. he did not cabuse his slawves though becayse that is mean.

Literally, WHAT. If slavery worked like that, there would never have been an American Civil War. By the word’s definition as history has crafted it, if you’re a slave, you’re going to get shit on in order to keep you in line.

anywahy

Any author that has to use “anyway” in order to get back on topic outside of a character’s dialogue is probably a bad author.

You know… nevermind all the other shit I’ve covered so far, right?

she got out of bed and look around and the bulter said “the house is ON FIRE!”

Madam, I regret to inform you that YO, SHIT BE WHACKED OUT UP IN THIS HIZZ-AY, MY SISTAH!

Don’t ever let me do that again. Just- just don’t.

“OH NO!” scraemed kells (that is her nicknam)

This is the point where Herr Wozzeck would smash the living hell out of the author with a gigantic fucking hammer for using in-narrative author notes. I’m a bit more forgiving in that regard; I just talk shit about them for it. Hey, I didn’t say I was THAT forgiving.

“i must safe my dayd from the flames!” and so she run to her dads beadroom for look for him but HE WAS GONE!

Well, you looked in his bead room, you twit. It’s not Crafty Monday, he wouldn’t be in there!

she look out of windo and saw a gigant monswter in roman town it was recking all the houses

Oh my god! Was it Brutal?! (Okay, so that joke might be a bit obscure if you don’t know what I’m getting at. Just know that it involves Tales of Vesperia, and start your search from there.)

it breathed fire and had evil claw that drop with blod and it eyes were red and skin was black as a drak knight.

Oh no! It’s Alduin! Where’s the fucking Dovakhiin when you need him/her?!

“oh no Godzilla has attack! i knew this day wold come

I wish I could respond; but my mind has been rendered a barren, wind-scarred wasteland of nothingness.

the army was too week to sop him coming to our land”

Well, yeah. It’s Godzilla. Although I’m sure Japan has by now developed their architecture to be Kaiju-proof, so they could probably give you some pointers.

i must get my armor and wepons

What the fuck good are those going to do you? It’s GODZILLA for Christ’s sake.

and sho she runned to the armor place for where it was keept.

Armory. The term is armory.

she gotted her golden armor and helmet and also her farthers magik sword and sheild

Well, then what the fuck is the purpose of you having your own weapons?

Also, I would like to declare a challenge, here: Caesar with magic weapons versus Abraham Lincoln with the Force.

and she also took a bow and arrow and then run outside to the stables.

Considering the recent trend of Sues being piss-poor archers and huntsmen going on at the Library of the Damned, I have little hope for this attempt.

insid she finds her friend Elkus he was a magic ghost deer like tha patornos deer from hary potter and the holy grail/golbet of fires.

Uh, first of all, the Patronus first received mention in Prisoner of Azkaban, and wasn’t brought up at all in Goblet of Fire. Second, with a name like Elkus, I wouldn’t immediately think “deer”. Third, I’ve never heard of Harry Potter and the Holy Grail; that must be a hidden eighth book that never got published. Fourth, what good is magic to a ghost? Fifth, like with “anyways” to snap back to the point, any author who has to reference another story to provide a visual for a character they’re describing is a bad author.

and also he could talk.

Of course he can talk.

“Eklus come with me Godzlilla is attacking our land we must excape!” and so Elkus sayed “Forsooyth my ladye I will carry you” (he talks like old time like in a old timey book we read at shcool one time).

Oh, fuck you, KingArthur2! Don’t drag Shakespearean speech into this fic, it didn’t do anything to deserve the punishment!

Anyway kelly got onto Elkus and they rided away from roman

But he just wanted to go bowling, cousin!

“I must find my farther but Godsilla is too powar for me and Elkus to fihgt BUT I WILL COME BACK!” she cryed loudlyt into the sunsite as the night began to fall.

Could you not have just checked elsewhere in the palace for him? Surely, a guard somewhere could tell you what happened to the guy, maybe he evacuated out the back when the attack started.

Well, whatever. The plot’s set in motion now, no sense dwelling on past details.

(Except I really, REALLY think it’s bullshit.)

And with that, chapter one is concluded! The length this chapter was is about the length of all of them, so be expecting short entries where this fic is concerned. In the meantime, stick around for more from me, as I continue to riff the riff-raff!

Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you in the next post.