Hello, and welcome back to Riffing the Riff-Raff! I’m your host, SC, and I’m here with the first installment of a new riff.
Now, before I get any complaints, just know that it’s completely in my nature to do multiple riffs at a time, so Kelly The Roman Warrior will continue without delay. I just wanted to get back to this fic because I was only ever able to MST one chapter of it, and then for a while I was cockblocked by my inability to continue riffing it because of limitations on my phone, which was at that point in time my only word processing device, and I ended up forgetting about it until now.
This fic is called “So wrong yet so right:rebooted”, by Ukawareta Okami, and was originally sent to me by TacoMagic at the Library of the Damned. Taco was responsible for riffing the entire four-fic zombie apocalype series, “call of duty:the untold zombie chronicels”, by The Insane Doctor (now The Insane Shadow Hunter) and JudgmentDragon25 at the Library, which have come to be called “the ID fics” by everybody who was there for the mess. (I missed out on the first fic, but saw through the other three, and was horrified.)
I came to find out that the authors of that clusterfuck are, by no small coincidence, friends with Ukawareta Okami on fanfiction.net – and I say, “no small coincidence”, because Ukawareta Okami got a frequent cameo mention in the author notes of the ID fics – So there’s little doubt in my mind that Taco offered this one up to me because he probably didn’t want to deal with it himself. (And I don’t blame him – you have to see it to know how bad it was.)
From what I know, and from what Taco has told me, it’s a lemon fic. What is a lemon fic, you may ask?
Well, put simply, a lemon fic is a sex fic. More often than not, a bad one, because fic authors tend to not know how to write good sex scenes to save their lives. I don’t either, so I don’t try. They’re also compatible with slash, as lemon fics often involve fan pairings that have no grounds in the canon. Although, I can’t determine that last bit with any certainty in regards to this fic, because I was only able to riff one chapter last time.
This fic is also set in the Legend of Zelda universe, which I’m admittedly not the most familiar with. Apart from a few games that I’ve seen partial walkthroughs for, Twilight Princess being one of them, I honestly don’t know all that much about the series without consulting the wiki for details.
Normally, if this were a Library of the Damned riff, I’d be divulging in a huge infodump right about now; but, since this is just me running solo, I don’t see the need for that here. The internet has a wiki for everything, and everybody and their mother has played Legend of Zelda at some point in their lives (except me, of course), so I’m sure it won’t be any fantastically difficult thing to look up the plot of Twilight Princess. Especially since it’s either that, Wind Waker or Skyward Sword that I can’t stop hearing about in my normal day-to-day.
Now then, I think I’ve said enough on that subject. Let’s get this shit-show started, shall we?
Midna and Link fanfic- takes place after twilight princess (roughly 6 months after)
Not sure how he plans to squeeze Midna into this fic; from what I know of Twilight Princess, Midna permanently sealed the gateway to the Twilight Realm after she crossed over at the end of the game. If it’s six months after the fact, I doubt she’d have any intentions of returning.
And so starts the rebooting of this series ( shall be fixing errors and adding a little extra content all free of charge , Whoop for free DLC )
Hey, buddy? I know the fic is about a video game, but unless it’s a purposeful parody, don’t treat it like a fucking video game. Okay?
title- So Wrong Yet So Right- yes its a lemon
Hell, the fic even confirms its own intentions! So, if there was any skepticism about my claims, there’s the evidence!
will bring in char’s from other parts of the series yes I will be making an appearance
First and foremost, get used to the poor writing quality. I’ve noticed it to be something of a trend with The Insane Shadow Hunter and his group of friends. The difference here is that it’s at least legible, whereas I had to squint and bend my head at a one hundred degree angle whilst chanting the Incantation of Tongues in order to read what ID wrote.
Author: my second creation how nice to start something fresh
Link: Fresh? What about yer first story
Author: on hold for now
Midna: you’ve got writers block don’t you?
Author:…No just multitasking
Oh god, I forgot. Ukawareta Okami is one of those authors who thinks it’s cute to take canon characters, OCs, or even his own self, and sock-puppet conversations between them in script-formatted author’s notes. This tends to be a trademark of MSTs, and most of my Library riffs, and so long as it’s done well and keeps to the personality traits of the characters used, I don’t mind it – just, not in fics, because it really takes away from the story when you see the author chatting away with the characters just before you get thrown into the story, proper; that, and the people I know, at least, would like to just get to the story and not bother with excessively long author’s notes.
That’s Ukawareta Okami’s first, and compound, mistake.
His second mistake, like the many, many fic authors who try this, is that he does NOT do it well, and so it reads like a cheesy comedy skit with clearly forced humor. You know, the ones where you have to force yourself to laugh so that you don’t look rude for not actually finding it funny. Unless you’re an asshole and just flat-out heckle the guy.
Not to mention his third mistake, which is that he doesn’t keep to the characters’ personalities or habits at all. Link doesn’t speak, and certainly not like a yokel, and Midna tends to be a tad more sarcastic and impatient with others. Or, that’s what I gathered from what of Twilight Princess I actually saw in the walkthrough that I never finished.
So, we’re already off to a bad start.
Author: Ahem for now I’ll be addressed as Shikia
Shikia: well duh I’m part of the story
Link: since when
Shikia: Since now wolf boy
Oh yeah, this fic is also a self-insert. I shouldn’t need to explain that one, it pretty well describes itself. What I will say, though, is that more often than not, S-I fics tend to fail spectacularly because the author turns their character into a colossal Mary Sue. They’re part of the story, so they should clearly be the most important character in the story, right? Nevermind that the canon of the story already makes it clear who the real important players are, and the author is just some John Doe coming in and forcing themselves on the action.
If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that a majority of the instances of Mary Sues are brought on by S-I fics where the author decided to start god-modding, because it happens so easily.
Shikia: okay enough stalling ONWARD!
Alright, fine! Dick…
Chapter 1- a depressed hero
Rorschach? He’s pretty pissy a lot of the time. Or maybe they mean Bruce Banner? Steve Rogers? Adam Jensen? Come on, throw me a bone, here!
Only a day had passed since she shattered the mirror
takes place after twilight princess (roughly 6 moths after)
Wow, so, six months is a really short amount of time in Hyrule, huh? I mean, I know in Majora’s Mask that three days in Termina can happen over a matter of a few real life minutes (Until you learn the song that slows down time, at least), but damn. Hyrule’s clocks must run a mile a minute.
Crap, I said Majora’s Mask, now all I can think of is fucking BEN DROWNED. Thank you for my nightmares, Jedusable!
and Link wasn’t who he was, the once proud hero, a mere shadow of his former self. He was brooding, something unnatural to his character.
How can you tell? In Twilight Princess, he has almost no emotional output! (Probably because the programmers forgot to animate his facial features outside of cutscenes… Could just be me, though. I recall him being extremely expressive in Wind Waker, but not so much in Twilight Princess.
Aaand now that I’ve said Wind Waker, I find myself wanting to play Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag. Except I can’t, because I don’t have an XBox. My life is suffering.)
“Why Did she have to break that damn Mirror”
Why Do you have to Inflect on the wrong Words?
Seriously, Midna probably broke the mirror to get away from your over-dramatic speech pattern.
That’s a name, chief. We capitalize names here in SC Land.
howled punching the wall in front of him,
That seems a bit much.
a neat dent could be seen when he retracted his fist.
I’m sorry, but Link lives in a treehouse in Twilight Princess.
A wooden treehouse.
Did you see that word there? Let me reiterate: WOOD.
You know what wood doesn’t do? DENT. You know what it DOES do? BREAK. And do you know what your hand does, when you punch wood and you’re not a martial arts master? ALSO BREAKS. Seriously, did you not consider that, Ukawareta Okami?
Oh, wait, what the hell am I saying? He’s a friend of ID and JD25, of course he didn’t consider it.
Link scanned the wall surveying the various cracks and dents.
Oh, here we go again.
a neat dent could be seen when he retracted his fist.
God, you and details just have an entirely neglectful relationship, don’t you?
He then looked at his fist, the knuckles were smeared red with crimson.
That’s what they call blood in Purple Proseia.
A weary sigh came from the Hero, realizing he had spent the day punching a wall and cursing.
Well, considering that a day in Hyrule is apparently measured in minutes on the single-digit scale, I’m not surprised.
” How cruel love is”, Link thought.
You just now figured that out, skipper? Welcome to reality – Hurts, dunnit?
The hero’s thought once again turned to the woman his frustration originated.
Like some kind of annoying Athena from the skull of Zeus, right?
That exotic woman sometimes a complete mystery to him yet at moments as easy to read as a book, though Link didn’t fully know how to read yet.
Yeah, and the author writing about it got hit with a brick. Tell me something I don’t know.
Still Link was surprised when Midna shattered the mirror.
Still-image Link is in the up-and-coming Legend of Zelda game whose main gimmick is lifted right out of the old I Spy point-and-click find ’em all games.
Hey, it could reasonably happen – the game Okami did this really cool thing where interacting with the environment was by drawing on it, and the newest Legend of Zelda game gives Link the ability to turn into mobile graffiti in order to get by level difficulties, so who’s to say that they couldn’t do some kind of mix of the two ideas? It could work, and maybe be pretty cool, even.
Nintendo, get on that.
A single tear traveled down his face.
His seasonal allergies were acting up – which makes me wonder how he can stand to live in a treehouse, in a village, in a forest.
He saved the Kingdom, both of them but in process it seems condemned his heart.
In my original MST, my ranger OC, Fox Auburnus II, broke into a long-winded rant about why, if it came to being a big damn hero or letting somebody else deal with it, he would just let somebody else deal with it. And this happened to be one of the reasons.
“Some grand reward from the goddesses this is”, he fumed in anger, of all the things he did all the hero would get in return would be a thanks and a return to his normal life.
That same OC also said that he would not at all bitch about returning to his old life after he was done being a hero, if he became one in the first place. Really, Fox just dislikes the idea of being chosen for a greater mission than he usually receives, and I’m not sure why. But, all told, he would probably piss off a lot of potential fangirls if he ever did become a famous hero, given his attitude about it, so it’s probably for the best that he’s not.
“Should’ve wiped my memory while they were at it, at least then I’d be happy”, the blonde hero finished.
And then I wouldn’t have to read this fic! Huzzah!
BIFOCALS, GET ON THAT SHIT!
A weary sigh came from the hero once more, the irony of the situation dawning on him, at the start of his journey, he wanted to return to normalcy , now that he had a taste of adventure, he wanted more.
Kind of like me and riffing – It was just supposed to be a one-time deal, and now, presently, I’ve got three running Library riffs (although one is on indefinite hiatus until such time as I feel okay to continue it due to how bad it’s gotten) and two running Riffing the Riff-Raff riffs.
“Damn, I get what I wanted and it still isn’t good enough”, Link fumed further.
ALL WE DO IS GIVE, LINK, BUT YOU JUST TAKE AND TAKE AND- I already made this joke in DMC4…
The hero found a stool and sat, replaying the days events over, realizing how he wasted the day acting much like an immature brat. Link stood up meandering his way toward the bed, then slumping on it and dozing off.
So, to recap, Link moped about, pondered, moped about some more, pondered again, moped about a little bit more, sat down and pondered again, and then fell asleep.
What a… productive(?) day, I guess.
A ways away the goddesses were having a private discussion. A petite green haired woman led the proceedings.
The items on the agenda today: Whether Nayru should get a haircut, the Gorons and all their rolling about, and fish tacos on Tuesdays. We here at SC Corporations don’t really know if they’re a legitimate business or just dicking around with structures for future endeavors.
“Look at him, best years of his life and he is wasting them acting like a.. well… I do not know, but its unhealthy”, she huffed with great annoyance.
In layman’s terms, the word is “bitch”, m’dear.
The fiery red head then spoke, her idea seemed to displease the green haired one “And what would you like us to do spend the night with him I guarantee he will feel a lot better, not that he will be the only beneficiary”
Oh, my, this riff is starting to push the rated X bill – I’m trying to keep things PG-13 for the internet’s sake, people, let’s roll this back, now!
The sapphire blue haired woman spoke next a bit more annoyed than the green haired woman, “That maybe what you want Din, but I think we all know he desires another woman,
Link’s such a dog.
perhaps a bit of intervention is in order”
“Link, we just want you to know that we love you, we know what you’re going through, and we’re all here for yo-”
“SHUT UP! YOU’RE ALL OUT TO GET ME! YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE I HAVE THE MASTER SWORD AND YOU DON’T! YOU’RE NOT MY REAL FRIENDS!”
“Doctor, we’re going to need the anesthetics…”
Din returned the comment gracefully,” Oh and I suppose you know what it takes to please a man Nayru, my aren’t we the adventurous one”
Whoa there, Din! Let’s not go pointing fingers, now – just because she’s the goddess of wisdom, doesn’t mean it’s anything like that!
But seriously, way to go careening to conclusions before you even let Nayru explain her thoughts, Din. That’s a real show of maturity from a goddess.
Nayru sighed her impulsive sister could be a handful at time,
But only that one time. Most other times she’s too busy being a recurring character. (Yes, for the purpose of this riff, I do have Zeldapedia open on my phone for when I need to make a reference. Although that was probably obvious by now.)
“what I’m saying is we send someone to accompany him, someone who can reunite the worlds without a repeat of what happened centuries ago,
Somebody like… SANTA CHRIST!
…Okay, maybe not.
what do you think Faoroe?”
Faoroe sat silently in pensive thought,
…It’s Farore. There’s no Faoroe in the Zelda universe, unless that’s just something else that I don’t know about the franchise.
” we could send Him he is the only one capable of opening a portal between worlds”
Din added her opinion to the idea, “wait Him?, no way after we sealed him up and cleaned up the mess I was sore for decades, I don’t feel like playing maid
Hey, God has a drinking problem, alright?
(Oooh, I am SO going to hell for that.)
Nayru then spoke her words more encouraging than Din’s,
Nayru was a motivational speaker once upon a before the creation of mortalkind.
“actually given the risks and how long he’s been sealed I think this would actually work, although I will have to erase some memories”
Din wouldn’t give up on her argument however, “No way he is worse than Ganon, what if he decides to turn Hyrule into his personal playground”
Well, then burn his ass with fire. It’s not that difficult a problem to solve, come on, Din.
Nayru laughed, “don’t worry sister he wont remember everything about who he was just his name, I assure you, he wont harm a fly”
That’s just setting yourself up to look like an ass later, Nayru. You could do with taking more precautions than that.
Din sighed, Nayru wouldn’t be this stubborn if she wasn’t sure about this.
Naturally. She is the goddess of wisdom, after all; I’d be a bit concerned if she was being stubborn about something she wasn’t sure about.
Nayru pulled a key from the sleeve of her robe,
Ah, anime storage compartments. Because when the sleeve is three times the size of your arm, why not stuff a few trinkets in it?
she remove the locket she was wearing a tiny keyhole was visible on the surface,
I will, to the end of my days, always misread that as Nayru wearing a tiny keyhole.
inserting the key and turning it, Nayru dropped the locket into a portal leading to Hyrule, the locket’s magic would take care of the rest.
And then it turned out that Nayru had accidentally dropped the magical nuke-locket, thus condemning Hyrule to its fiery fate as it was wiped completely off the map.
“well no turning back now”, Din added a look of worry apparent on her face.
Unless Nayru has it attached to a string, that is. Then she can just yo-yo the locket back up into her hand and call it off.
I’m guessing she doesn’t, though…
As the locket fell It took the shape of a person,
Ack! It’s some kind of whacked-out homunculus!
landing in Hyrule field,
And breaking both his legs because Nayru didn’t give him a parachute-
*whisper mutter mumble*
Aw, fuck, that didn’t happen.
the figure groaned, stirring awake, the bits of the locket that were left formed clothes for the now apparent young male teen,
Of course he’s a teenager. Because nobody has heard of adults ever getting sex, right?
And why did the locket form clothing for him? I’m sorry, there’s a certain bullshit threshold I’m not willing to cross when a living being comes into existence in any story, and that’s where they pop into existence, and then suddenly clothing happens so that nobody has to see their nakedness because the author has issues saying, “this guy was in the buff.”
First of all: Seriously? Nudity is a thing. It’s inescapable. I’ve grown comfortable talking about it. It was an expression of art in the early days of civilized humanity, the only reason it’s not now is because some people didn’t like it and so went and tried their hardest to make it a not-okay-thing.
Second of all: It’s just stupid that there would be a secondary function to genesis-type magic that would just arbitrarily create clothing for you. And typically, when that happens, rather than being chiefly concerned with that person simply being covered for the sake of keeping them warm, authors try and make the clothes as cool and trendy as possible. I’m not into that nonsense.
To add on to that, though, I don’t necessarily mind the clothing styles when it’s written properly. If they appeared with the clothing already on due to past circumstances, fine. If some celestial being draped a blanket or something on them and then disappeared, fine. Hell, even if they show up naked, and then the clothing materializes onto them, I’m okay with that, because perhaps those materialized clothes have some other meaning aside from simply being garments.
But, “poof, have some clothes because reasons”? Nope, not happening. Not on my watch, chief.
he opened his eyes surveying the world around him, eying the clothes next to him he quickly dressed, hoping no one saw his nude form. The young man sneezed,
And flew right back out of his clothing, thus having to restart the process.
That doesn’t actually happen, sadly, but it would be hilarious if it did.
“damn its cold and all I get to cover up is a pair of shorts and a shirt”, he shouted angry at the situation he was in.
Oh, he was angry that the goddesses gave him some shit clothing for cold weather? I thought his bitching was joyful, I totally didn’t realize. (Whoo! Now it reeks of bullshit in here!)
The young teen stood up his long white hair swayed in the passing breeze,
Why is it ALWAYS white hair?
And why is it LONG white hair? What, are you trying to be some Inuyasha rip-off?
he rubbed his arms vigorously, a note fell from the sky. Reading it quickly he headed in the direction of the forest as it instructed. High above the goddesses watched the scene unfold with calculating eyes.
Well, that was quaint of them. I’d have personally gone for the creepy, genderless apparition with vague words of guidance. But, I’m kind of old fashioned like that.
” I do pray sister..that he is able to resolve the current dilema Faoroe’s chosen faces
Nope, it’s still Farore. Nothing has changed for you in the last two-ish paragraphs, author.
and perhaps”, she paused looking at the young man with sad eyes, ” his own”, she finished.
Chapter one end
Oh gee, I couldn’t have guessed, you fuckwit.
Shikia: damn it is cold
Wait, so the Inuyasha wannabe is the author insert? Dude, his character is fucking ridiculous.
Link: wow sucks to be you
Shikia: just wait buddy you’ll get yours
Midna: do anything and you’ll find yourself eating food through a straw for a week
Shikia: sorry didn’t mean to threaten your boy toy
COMEDY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
Link: just how badly do I get hurt in this so called “story”?
Shikia: well…uh…That’s a good question
Link: Right thought so
Midna: I take it there will be a chapter two
Shikia: Yes… (ideas?)
You did not seriously just ask your audience for ideas in your own lemon fic. If you’re going to write a lemon fic, use your own perverted fucking imagination and FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF!
So long folks see ya in Chapter two,
And so will I! Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for next chapter! From here on out, I am flying blind, so it’ll be an interesting ride for everybody. Until then, I’m SC, and I’ll see you next time!