Hello, and welcome back to Kelly The Roman Warrior, by KingArthur2! I’m your host, SC, and last time, Godzilla literally attacked ancient Rome, Caesar went missing because reasons, and Kelly and her magical ghost elk mount who speaks fake-Shakespearean dialect fled because more reasons.
No don’t leave I’m being serious here.
I’ve finally gotten back to this fic for chapter two, entitled, “A Meeting in the Drak,” and based off that title alone, I kind of want to see what’s in store here.
In the night Elkus and Kelly walked for mayny ours until they came to a small hut in the road it was maked off wood and sticks and there was a lite from the top of it.
Did this person never read the Three Little Pigs? Bricks, damn it, bricks!
so kelly got off
Ew.
and went to cnock on the door for see who was in it owned the hut.
Pfft. I don’t cnock on doors for seeing who is in it owns the place. I just ckic them down and ask if anybody’s home.
(No I don’t, that is seriously ill-advised, don’t do it you’ll get arrested.)
“knock nock hello is anyone their!”
No, stupid, you don’t SAY “knock knock,” you just knock knock! Sheesh, what school of etiquette did you go to?
she mutterd
The hell she did.
And if she did, no wonder nobody’s responding, because they can’t hear her.
but no one answerd. Elkys said it looks like no one is there”
I like to think that Kelly was just monologuing this whole deal and Elkus is just looking at her like she’s crazy.
but the the door opened!
Jinkies, Shaggy, you wanna work on that stammer you’ve got there?
it was a small woman with wrinkled face and a cloak and she said “who is it?”
Oh Evil Queen, when will you learn that the disguise only works once?
“hello I am from roman
You’re from Rome, dear, Rome.
our town was artacked by Godezlia
Godezlia is the silly younger sister of Godzilla.
I was the nonly survirvired
Sooo, then you’re… Dead? Did I read that right? Am I reading any of this right?
but I have noplace to sleep!” “alright you can come inside” siad the woman.
You are not very bright, lady. She has a sword, what if she’s looking to kill you and steal all your stuff?
inside the hut was dark and the corner was a fire and it flickered spookliy on the walls.
You wanna maybe put that out before the whole hut burns down?
there was a old tabel with herb on and some chairs
Lady, take your herbs and chairs off your old tabel, that fire’s gonna catch those things in a heartbeat.
and kelly and the woman sait down and Elkus sat on the floor.
Daaat’s ghost-steed racist.
Oh, wait, they’re on the tabel. Maybe it’s better for Elkus to be on the floor, with that in mind.
“hello Kelly and welcome to my hut” siad the woman “How did you know my name” explaimed kells!
Well, the narrator certainly did, in any event.
“I am very wize I can see into the future and the past and the presnet and I know everything”
“oh wow myabe you can tell me where is my farther he was in the house when attack but I KNOW he is still altive!”
Aw man, I misread that as Atlus. What the hell do I do with this Trauma Center picture now?!
Eh, fuck it.
“I can try too see were he is but I will need spekcial ingreediants for the spell there are very rare”
Wait wait wait, is this a spell or alchemy?
Because if it’s alchemy, you’re probably gonna need this:
“ok i can get them for you what do you need.” “i will need a orge brain from the cave of skulls on mount terribel, a bag of gold dust from the mines in the deseert in the west, a cup of blod from a vampire at draculas castel, and one final ingrediant it is a rare plant from the junegels”
Let’s… Just… Moving on.
“ok I can find them I must know where my farther is!” showted kells and she put the saddel back on Elkus.
She ever took his saddle off?
Here I have a map of the 4 places you must go!” said the woman mysterylsly
What’s mysterious about that, exactly? “Here, have a map – WOOOoooOOOoooOOO.”
“thankyou”
Yeahsuredon’tmentionit.
and so kelly got back on Elkys and they road off to the Drackula castle.
Gabriel Belmont, run while you can.
Well, that’s it for chapter two! Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! Dracula is gonna be ripped horribly out of character, not much I can do about that I’m afraid, but in the meantime, I’ll see you later!
Riffing the Riff-Raff 
Aww. You didn’t even have Stephanie Meyer show up!